The Pledge
by TheUnderStudy
Summary: Becoming a pledge is more than parties and fun. It's a gateway of possibilities, brotherhood, and fidelity. For new pledge Edward Masen, it could be so much more. Unfortunately for Carlisle Cullen, he has to figure out how to survive it. "It's just that you break me over and over till you make me whole again. I don't know which way is up." AH
1. The Plunge

**A/N: This chapter was the one shot I wrote for the CarlWard Contest in January 2011. That's right Carlisle and Edward…romantically *waggles eyebrows*. I had originally wanted Carlisle's POV in it too, but didn't get a chance to write it in time for the contest. So it's 3 parts, a three-shot if you will. LOL! Many thanks to stephlite and TheFaintHeart for the original beta job for the contest piece. Also thanks to abbymickey24 and SweetT129 for looking over it after my recent edits. Lastly, thanks to my girls TheLyricalCutie & SagaDevotee for pre-reading.**

**All things Twilight are the property and ownership of S. Meyers. I make no money from my obsession.**

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**Chapter 1: The Plunge - EPOV**

When I first stepped out of the car, I could not stop the smile from coming over my face. I was finally happy. I felt like twirling around in the center of the campus lawn and tossing my hat into the air, very much like Mary Tyler Moore. I finally got the chance to start over. This year – this school – was going to be different. I would finally be on my path to being Dr. Edward Masen.

My big brother Emmett was helping me unload my car at my new dorm. A year and a half ago when he asked me to apply to Knox-Whit University, I laughed him off. Who wanted to go to the same school as your star-athlete brother? I knew I didn't. I felt that going to KWU would put me in Emmett's shadow, and I wanted to be my own man, so I applied at several other schools.

Had I known what my freshman year was going to be like at the 'Puritan School Of Destroying Your Hopes and Dreams While Alienating You Because You Go Against The Norm,' I certainly would have reconsidered.

I had chosen an extremely small school in a small town in Rhode Island. I had seen their advertisement in the counselor's office at my high school. My mom and I flew out from our hometown of Chicago to visit their campus. Everything seemed wonderful, from their small class ratios to the high matriculation rates. I also was told they had an excellent Pre-Med program and Medical Schools gladly accepted their graduates.

Unfortunately, I later discovered that it was a nursing program with a concentration in Pre-Med studies, but by that point, I was well into the semester. That should have been my first clue that things weren't right there, but it was only the tip of the iceberg.

_Remember the happy face._

Yes, that was my past. But I was a KW Wildcat now and I was free to be me.

Emmett was so happy that I was here; I could tell that he had missed me. We had always been close and enjoyed going to the same school when we were growing up, even though we were on different sides of the spectrum – him being the popular jock and lovable guy while I was the shy kid dipped in geek with a dorky nougat center. Emmett had said college life would combine all of that. It was a place where football players partied with the chemistry students, but he had yet to tell me why. Instead, he was going on and on about all the parties he was going to take me to. He was even more excited that I could come to all his games. It all sounded great, and, even more, this place _felt_ right. With almost a week before classes started, I had some time to get myself settled. Then I could experience it all.

We finally reached my room, and the door was already open. There, in the middle of the room, was a half naked, chestnut-skinned hottie, whose back muscles greeted me before his ass did. Emmett had been kind enough to set me up with a roommate who he said shared my interests. I was thinking more along the lines of Pre-Med student, a piano player, or a Sunday morning crossword completer. However, his introduction immediately narrowed it down to the point.

"Damn Emmett! You told me your brother was a geek! This is not a geek – more like spank-bank material." Emmett's face turned four shades of red.

"Dude. I don't even want to know. Edward, this is my fan-club president, Jacob Black." Emmett slapped Jake on his shoulder and Jake winced. Heavy-handed bastard.

"Oh Emmett, I love it when you're rough. Now get out. We roomies have to get acquainted." Jake winked at me and Emmett chuckled as he backed out of the room.

"Eddie, my boy, welcome to heaven. I'll see you boys at dinner." With that, he was gone and I surveyed the room to find band posters on the wall and a poster above Jake's bed of that young British actor girls were always swooning over.

Jake and I chatted a little while I unpacked. He told me about how he met Emmett in the gym and how they quickly became friends. Jake was a sophomore engineering student and was full of jokes. I could see why he and my brother had hit it off – he was easy to like. He came from a reservation back west with a very supportive family. When he came out to his dad, he was loved even more for being honest with himself. It was like what I had back home – a great support system. It helped that Emmett and I had two moms when I came out – they understood. I'd been happy to have it, but I sometimes thought the easy and accepting life I faced at home was what caused me to suffer so harshly at my old school.

Jake decided that I needed a proper tour of campus and our first stop was, of course, the cafeteria. Go figure. Jake was cut, but if he was friends with Emmett, I knew he could put it away.

Our second stop was what he called 'Call 911 for Me' Row or to the rest of the college population, it was known as Frat Row. I had never seen such an active Greek life other than on TV – it was like walking onto a movie set. There were a few guys sitting out front, greeting people that walked past, and another set of guys were tossing a football around the yard. The girls from the sorority houses across the street were putting up welcome signs and squealing with the return of each of their housemates. It was classic. Jake explained each of the houses, their mottos, and his thoughts on their organization. It was very entertaining and educational; I now knew not to eat anything made by the sisters of Kai Beta.

We were getting close to his favorite frat house, the one that Jake said he would be pledging this year. He was very enlightening as he listed the finer points of the frat, from their motto to the benefits post graduation. Jake seemed to know what he was talking about and so I was suddenly interested in learning more about Nu Alpha Tau.

Jake stopped suddenly, and I looked up at his face to see if he was okay. I observed that he was breathing a little heavier and his eyes were glazed over. I searched in the direction of his gaze and found what I knew had caught his focus.

Hot.

Tingling.

Vibrating.

Butterflies.

Comatose.

"That, right there," Jake said softly, "is the hottest man to ever grace this planet." I was too lost to comment. "Edward, meet perfection: Mr. Carlisle Cullen.

Carlisle. I was not looking at a mortal man. It was impossible to belittle him as such. He stood at least 6'2'', and was toned, with a chiseled face and brown hair that curled slightly on its ends. His white t-shirt and a pair of jeans adorned his body lovingly. _Dear God I am jealous of those jeans. _His smile was alluring and I was enthralled by the way his hand kept going through his hair. Carlisle's confidence was evident in the way he stood so strongly.

I realized then that I wanted his power all over me.

A young woman came to stand beside him. I was jealous of the smile he gave her, even more so when he kissed her lightly and squeezed her close. She looked perfect for him. The guy they were talking to moved into my line of vision, and I growled lowly. He was blocking my eye candy. When the unnamed guy moved out of the way, the object of my desire looked right at me. His eyes burned so much that they were almost deadly. No longer smiling, his welcoming lips had spread into a thin line. It was too intense and I had to break the stare.

"Edward, you my friend, have just been farmed." Jake laughed and nudged me back toward our dorm.

"FUCK! He was gorgeous." I couldn't hide the enthusiasm in my voice, but Jake's previous comment brought about a question. "Farmed? What do you mean?"

"Ha! Dude I saw you, all swooning and eye-fucking Carlisle. It's a shame and a disgrace that he is straight. Many a gay man has crossed his path and swooned, faltered, and cried after seeing him. His nickname in the frat is 'The Farmer.' He is from some country town and his dad is a farmer, I think. But, it's not corn Carlisle is farming here; it's broken-hearted boys like you and me."

I laughed at Jake's reply. He was right though. I was caught up in him. "So the girl?" I asked, wanting to know more.

"Esme Platt. His hometown honey."

"Do you have anything else to add to that?" Jake laughed at me, but didn't disappoint.

"I knew I would like you. I've been waiting on someone to share my love for that man. Here's the scoop: he's 21, won't be 22 until next year. Like I said before, Esme is his girlfriend from home, and has been with him since like, babies or something. He's a senior; Pre-Med." Jake wiggled his eyebrows.

"Oh my god. I may see him in my classes."

"Doubt it, sophomore. Carlisle is smart. Super smart. He's probably working on just his thesis now." Jake gave me a pouty look. "It's okay, you can cry on my shoulder." I punched him in his arm as we made it back to our room.

The week passed quickly, and finally, we were starting our first official day of classes. My two classes that morning were mainly introductions, the professor's expectations, reviewing the syllabus, and general information on the subject. As I went over the first syllabi, I was floored by the material we would be covering before midterm. It looked like KWU was actually going to make you learn something. The geek in me rejoiced, though, the latent party animal, dying to be reborn, was a bit forlorn.

I was making my way to my Anatomy II on the other side of campus. It was only my first day in this class, and it looked like I was going to be late. _Great!_ This was going to be a challenge for me on Mondays and Wednesdays – I had Calculus III right before in Kirby Hall, and would have to practically run all the way across campus to make it on time to the science building.

I rushed through the classroom door and quickly grabbed the closest seat. The lecture had already started, but it didn't seem like I had missed much.

"…and your lab will consist of 25% of your grade. You will mostly work individually in lab, but you will have a partner from time to time." Dr. Sam Uley was a well-respected professor, though a bit pretentious. He seemed bored already, so I guessed that this was either going to be an easy class, or he was going to make us pray that we could at least passed.

"I'd like to introduce you to my Teacher's Assistant for this class. Carl, stand up. Introduce yourself." _Jeez, what a prick_. I felt sorry for Carl.

I reached down to grab a pen from my bag so I could jot some things down, and didn't see Carl stand up, "Greetings everyone, I am _Carlisle_ Cullen, the TA for this class."

_Did I just hear what I thought I heard?_ I looked up, and there he was: my frat-boy-love.

He was leaning back against the desk wearing a pair of black slacks, and a button-down dark blue shirt with the sleeves rolled to the elbows, and the top two buttons unfastened. I felt my palms begin to sweat and I knew I was becoming flushed. I had never reacted this way over a guy. I'd had my crushes, and two boyfriends since I came out, but this was something new, something beyond my Cosmo check-list of "Do You Think He's Hot?"

He licked his bottom lip and continued to speak.

_Heart failure in t-minus 5 seconds_

_5…_

"I will be assisting Dr. Uley for the remainder of the semester."

_4…._

"I will also be teaching the class later in the semester, and leading the study group throughout."

_3… Is it getting hot in here?_

"I have been where you are now and I can tell you, this class won't be easy. I, however, am here to help."

_2… Help do what again?_

"Never be afraid to ask me questions; my email and phone number are on your syllabus. I also live on campus and have an open-door policy." He scanned my way and did a double-take. His brows rose slightly, his lips narrowing into a straight line once again, and he gave me that fucking soul piercing stare. "So you are welcome to visit me during my listed hours."

_1…._

_Death imminent_

I sucked in a deep breath and watched as he slowly took his seat at the front of the class. I was done – there was no way I was going to hear anything else the rest of the class. I was lost in a fantasy in which I was going to see Carlisle during his designated hours at his fraternity. He was waiting in his room, dressed similarly as he had been today. He told me he could teach me so much, lesson one being that a doctor had to be good with his hands. He hooked his fingers in my belt loops and pulled me closer to him. I could feel his breath fan across my face as he tucked his head in the crook of my neck and ran his nose along it. Carlisle wrapped an arm around my waist while his other hand nestled in my mangled mess of hair. He pulled my face closer to his and….

"...divided the bacteria. And that's the end of class. DON'T forget to do the reading. This isn't a pleasure cruise, folks." Dr. Uley's harsh tones ended my fantasy too effectively for my tastes. So close, and yet so far. _He's straight Edward_, I reminded myself. But, that didn't mean I couldn't dream a little.

I got up from my desk after I knew things had settled below. I was going to have to watch the fantasies during this class. I walked slowly back to the dorms, wondering how in the hell I was going to get through the semester of Anatomy without zoning out completely in every class.

I reached my room and fell face first on my bed in utter defeat, hoping that Jake might be able to give me some advice on this. This was going to be a lot harder than I thought. I looked up at Jake's schedule above his desk and noticed that he should have been back by now. Shrugging, I decided to get started on the shit-ton of reading Dr. Uley assigned.

An hour passed, and it was getting close to dinner. I thought about calling Jake to see if he wanted to meet me in the cafeteria, but just as I reached for my cell phone, our room door was slammed open. Jake was standing there, with an ear-to-ear grin, covered in mud. I was just about to ask him what in the hell happened when he raised his hand to stop me. Shaking his head, he grabbed his shower caddy and clothes, then headed back out the door.

Twenty minutes later, Jake had returned fresh and dressed. He sat down on his bed and waved his hand as if telling me to proceed. I rolled my eyes, but I asked because I was too damn curious not to.

"What in the hell were you doing?

"Nu Alpha Tau's Welcome-Welcome," Jake responded with a Cheshire smile.

"What's that?" I asked, even more curious than before.

"Dude, it's Rush Week!" Jake looked at me like I was a social pariah.

"And that is?"

If Jake's eyebrows rose any higher, they were going to fly off his face. "RUSH! WEEK! As in 'Hello, I like your frat and want in.' week."

"Oh!" I said in understanding.

I had heard about this before, from Emmett. Greek houses would promote their organization and offer entry into their group. From what Emmett had told me, I'd always thought it was just an excuse to have a weeklong party, but maybe there was something more to it. My brother mentioned how he was not limited to the guys' house events. He particularly enjoyed the Sororities Rush Week as well. If I remembered correctly, he called it the 'New Panties Raid' Week. I was glad there was to it than I was previously informed.

"Yes, 'Oh!', Edward. Jeez what school did you go to freshman year?" Jake stared at me in shock at my lack of knowledge.

I cringed as he mention freshman year. "It's a long story," I said quickly, really not wanting to talk about it.

"Never mind. Anyway, they are having a BBQ tonight. It'll be awesome, and Felix is on the grill. Talk about your hot man meat…UNF!" I gulped as Jake thrusted his hips into the air. I shook my head and thought about going, wondering if I could I see Carlisle again and not bumble like an idiot.

"Can't we just go to the cafeteria?" I asked hopefully.

"And miss out on free BBQ and eye candy?! Walk and chat. I could eat a moose right now!" Jake clapped his hands together and made his way toward the door.

I tried to reason with Jake again, but he just turned and glared at me. With Jake showing no signs of listening to me, I gave up. If I was going, I needed to change into something Carlisle hadn't already seen me in. I rushed to my closet and went through selection after selection. This was so pathetic; I was beyond the point of help.

Jake noticed my closet raid and took pity on me. He came over to my closet and pulled out a pair of Levi's and my t-shirt with a group of nuns on it that said, "All the single ladies." I looked up at him with questioning eyes and he nodded adamantly.

I noticed the catastrophe that was my hair in my door mirror. Jake and I glanced at the clock and shook our heads; there was certainly not enough time in the world, much less before his BBQ, to try and tame it.

We began our walk towards Nu Alpha Tau and I told Jake about what happened in my Anatomy II class. I even mentioned bits and pieces of my little fantasy. He, of course, wanted me to go back and start over, placing him where I was. He could do that in his dreams – there was no way he was starring in mine.

We were just about to arrive at the frat house when I paused. Many questions began to flood my mind. What if he thought my shirt was stupid? What if my breath smelled after eating all the BBQ? Would he even notice I was there? Well it didn't matter any way because he was in a relationship... with a woman.

"Oh don't be such a sour puss, Edward. I'm going to let you have Carlisle." Jake gripped my shoulder and smiled.

"Um, thanks?" Like he ever had a chance.

"Just be yourself, Edward. If you can't have his heart, at least you can have his friendship." Wow. Did Jake actually say something useful?

"Or, maybe if you join Nu Alpha Tau with me, we could accidentally see him naked." Jake stared off into the distance, probably lost in another fantasy.

"Okay, let's do this. Broken heart be damned," I said, throwing my hands in the air dramatically.

I marched forward toward the house, and Jake let out a loud whoop from behind me. There were people standing about the frat's lawn, chatting and laughing. 'Cage The Elephant' was playing through the speakers, and it was an easy atmosphere. We received a couple of head nods and greetings from some of our dorm mates, as well as what I was assuming were some of the current frat members.

Jake pushed past me into the house, storming through the back patio doors to the deck. I could see the guy he pointed out to me as Felix slapping him on the back. Jake jerked forward a few steps, and I hoped that I never got that friendly with Felix. I was making my way to the deck tentatively, stopping at moments to glance around the house. I expected a disaster: dirty laundry, beer bottles, posters of half naked woman blanketing the walls. Instead, what I found were photos of past members, the Nu Alpha Tau Charter, clean and fashionable furniture, and a large dining room table with an ornate centerpiece.

It almost felt like home.

"Edward? C'mon, man! Burgers!" Jake startled me from the patio doors with a plate full of food.

I made it outside, but I could not stop my eyes from searching for _him_. And find him they did.

There, in the middle of the backyard, was the object of my obsession. Carlisle, in a relaxed stance that showed off his legs in a glorious pair of khaki shorts, wore a green t-shirt with a pig on it; the words, 'Bacon Anonymous' was written under it. I loved that shirt! I'd always wanted it, but all my usual online shops never had my size. I looked at Jake and he smirked at me. The knowing bastard – I should have guessed he knew Carlisle's attire. This persona was different from what I saw in Anatomy earlier. Here he seemed calm and mellow, more of what I hoped was his true self.

I moved closer, noticing that he was answering questions from group of potential pledges. He smiled often, and his grayish-green eyes sparkled in the late evening sun. He would place his hand on his chin when he was pondering a comment or question made by the group. I wanted to nibble on his chin. _Damn_. Carlisle was fucking Cary Grant reincarnated and I had to settle on friendship.

Carlisle started to discuss the frat's upcoming social calendar. I knew they held a lot of parties, but it was good to hear about some of their philanthropy work on and off campus. Carlisle shifted slightly when I came closer, and I guessed he could tell someone was near. I just stood there listening, hoping to catch his gaze. The group dispersed after a few minutes, and I noticed he remained.

_Here goes nothing. _"Edward." I blurted out.

"No, it's Carlisle, actually." He smirked slightly and held out his hand. "Carlisle Cullen." He must have thought I was nuts.

"Sorry, I meant to say that I'm Edward Masen." I reached out and took his hand firmly. His touch set me aflame. His hand felt rugged, like he was a man of hard work. It was comforting, and very inviting. My eyes fluttered for just a moment, and when I came to, Carlisle was staring at me inquisitively. I released his hand quickly and tried to act as if nothing happened.

I decided to move things along and ask him about the frat. I knew he had been talking about it all evening, but the way Carlisle spoke with such conviction, you wouldn't think so. He told me the history and the meaning behind their beliefs. I found myself more relaxed, and began to ask more questions. We must have been talking a while, because the evening sun had set and someone had turned on the backyard lights.

"Eddie, my man. Where have you been?" Jake said as he strolled up behind us.

Jacob Black was going to die.

"I've been talking to Carlisle; learning more about his brotherhood. Carlisle, you know Jacob, correct?" I said as I smiled his way.

"Yes, I think you attended a few of our functions last year," Carlisle said as he shook Jake's hand. He didn't linger.

"So Mr. President… Can I call you that? Or do you prefer Carl?" Jake said, flirting with _my _President. I mean Carlisle.

"Carlisle please. Only Carlisle." Carlisle smiled at him and looked back towards me, expecting to finish our conversation.

"Oh wonderful, Carlisle. That is such a wonderful name. We are thinking of joining, but we were curious. Does the frat accept individuals with different _sexual_ orientations?" Jake said with the first serious expression I'd seen on him to date.

_What the fuck Jake?! _I looked to Carlisle, who had reddened slightly, but cleared his throat and responded eloquently.

"Yes, of course. All are welcome, Joshua," Carlisle said. I barely contained my smile.

"It's Jacob, but you can call me Jake." Jake winked at him and I wanted to claw his eyes out.

"Sure, John." I couldn't hide the chuckle that escaped my lips.

Another one of Carlisle's frat brothers, Aro Marcus, came over to introduce himself and answer some of our questions. He began to pull Jake away from Carlisle and I, suggesting that Jake come see the collection of paintings donated to the house. Jake sent me a mock glare and I had to fight the urge to stick my tongue out at him.

Carlisle definitely seemed relieved that he was gone. I was too. We went to grab some sodas and sat at one of the tables to finish talking.

He began to open up more and more, and finally I got to know the other Carlisle. He was twenty-one, and came from Sioux Falls, North Dakota. He was finishing up his last year of Pre-Med classes before heading to Medical School, and had hopes of going back to his home town when he graduated.

I was like a sponge, absorbing it all, but I didn't let him do all the talking. I shared with him a few of my thoughts and feelings on my life. I admitted to him that I was gay and glad to finally be able to be out. I knew that the judgmental glares and comments would not stop completely, but it was nice to go a day without being ridiculed. I told him how I wanted to become a doctor, mainly to better take care of my family. I worried about both my moms so much. I was selfish and wanted them around for as long as possible. He called me a momma's boy, and I told him that if he had my mom's Eggplant Parmesan, he would be right there with me.

Carlisle told me that he knew my brother Emmett, and I was shocked. _Had he been checking up on me? _He assured me that Emmett had been very excited about my coming to KWU, and hadn't stopped talking about me. Then he went on a rave about stats, points, and how my brother was the best quarterback KWU had ever seen. He asked if I played like my brother and I practically spit my soda out all over him.

"No, I'm a man of more intellectual tastes," I said very smoothly.

I didn't mean to flirt, and I suddenly became nervous, thinking I made him uncomfortable. Instead, I was rewarded with the slight hint of pink coming over his cheeks.

We wrapped up the evening and I mentioned that I would see him next class. He nodded and told me to make sure I did my reading, then went searching for Jake by the grill. He wasn't there, so I grabbed a plate for Emmett. Mostly everyone was in the backyard or in the house playing video games, so I went in, figuring that's where Jake would be, but still could not find him. I gave the house one more look before heading toward the front door to leave. I was just about there when I saw a door open at the top of the staircase. There was Jake, rearranging his clothes, while coming out of a room. _No Way! _A head poked itself out the crack and all I saw was black hair and a bare shoulder. Jake leaned in for a kiss and was pulled back in the room. I chuckled and quickly left the house.

I called Emmett to tell him I had food – he never passed up a meal. He was just getting back to his apartment on campus after working out when I called. I was glad I made a hefty plate – I was barely in the door before Emmett had snatched up the food and plopped down on his sofa. I told him all about the frat BBQ. His face quickly fell, and I was worried.

"I seriously hope you're not pledging." He bit the rib in his hand and I struggled to listen.

"What? Why not? They have a lot to offer, and this would look great for medical school."

"You can't trust them Edward. Especially Carlisle. He's the leader and looks the other way," Emmett said between bites.

I was shocked. Carlisle came across as someone very genuine and nice, gentlemanly. Plus I had already planned out our wedding, house, dual practice, 2.5 kids, and a chocolate Lab named Bella.

"Well, I met him, and I didn't think he seemed that way. Look, Emmett – I am my own person, and you have to let me be. What happened at my old school will not happen here. Nu Alpha Tau has so much I believe in. I really think that I want to be a part of it."

"Is Carlisle one of those things?" Emmett asked.

His comment was somewhat joking, but I could see by the look on his face he was curious. Was I interested in more than just the frat? Well yes, but I wasn't joining for a man.

"He's a great guy that has done a fine job with his frat. Carlisle or not, they still hold great values."

"Don't get all dramatic on me. I'm just trying to look out for you. Just… Be careful. Okay?" Emmett sighed and put down his food. _This must be serious._

"What happened anyway?" I had to know.

"Embry Call was a running back on the team a year ago. He wanted to pledge, but was beat up instead by your fancy group of shits. He told me Carlisle just watched as it all happened. Some brotherhood." I was shocked as hell. It had to be a misunderstanding.

I was going to have to ask Carlisle about this if I wanted to join. I was honest when I said they represented something I wanted to be a part of. So, leading up to my next Anatomy class, I gathered all the things their website said I would need. Yet it all depended on this Embry situation. I trusted my brother, but I didn't know Embry Call, and there were always two sides to every story.

By the end of my class, my leg was bouncing. I sat and tried to calm down while I waited for the eager sluts in my class to back off my man. _Your man?!_ I had to get a grip. Carlisle was not mine; he was only a starring actor in my dreams.

The last girl left, and I walked over to him. I asked if he had time to talk more about the pledging process. I couldn't talk to him about Emmett's friend here, so I suggested we go someplace to chat. He ended up taking me to one of his favorite coffee shops on campus, The Coffee Grounds. I watched him as he found us a table and I had to recover swiftly after checking out his ass.

We sat, and Carlisle began describing the requirements for pledging. I met all of them. In fact, I come prepared with a copy of my transcripts, letter of recommendations, and an essay. I would also need an official vouch from a member of the frat. I was hoping it would be Carlisle. He told me that Jake had submitted his already as well and was very enthused about the process. We shared a laugh, and I told Carlisle that he shouldn't have to worry about Jake coming after him anymore as I remembered what I saw at the BBQ. I began to tell Carlisle about seeing Jake's possible fling with a frat brother whose room was at the top of the staircase. Carlisle's face turned pale, and then angered.

"Did I say something wrong?" I thought we were getting along great. I didn't want to ruin this.

"No. Sorry, it's fine. I just know whose room that was. Can we keep this between us? I want Jake to get fair treatment." I nodded at his request. Jake had worked hard for this. I didn't want someone taking advantage of him.

"Before I officially pledge, I have to know something first." I took a deep breath and Carlisle leaned in. That was so not helping. "I told my brother I wanted to pledge. He told me about Embry Call."

Carlisle sighed heavily and I worried that it was all true. "Your brother and Embry were really close, but not close enough for him to know that Embry was using steroids. I caught him more than once. The football team always uses the pool, and I was on the swim team up until last year."

He shook his head and I touched his arm in comfort. His rewarding smile did the same for me. "After the third time, I knew he was not heeding my warning, so I had to go tell the coach. I also told the president of the frat at the time and had his membership pulled. In one day he lost it all, all because of me."

"No, Carlisle, it was not because of you. He made the wrong choices."

"I know, but maybe I could have…." He paused.

"You did all you could," I assured, giving his arm another squeeze before letting go and allowing him to continue.

"Well, he came after me, and we fought. He was doped up, and I definitely couldn't take him in that state. Luckily, Felix, Jasper, and Aro were walking by and helped me out. We did _not_ beat him up. It took all four of us to keep him down."

And that was that. It was all I needed to hear. So I handed him my docs and gave my official bid for their fraternity. Now all I needed was for him to be my vouch, and I would be set. Who would I go to if I didn't? Maybe Felix. I hadn't even ever seen Jasper. Carlisle looked over my documents and smiled.

"A man that is prepared – that is definitely Nu Alpha Tau material," he said as he looked at me intensely.

"Now, all I need is that vouch from a current member…" I said slyly, hoping he'd get the picture.

"I'm sure one of the brothers _may_ do that for you." He was playing along with me. If I didn't know any better, I'd say he was coming on to me. It was probably just a figment of my imagination.

_Oh he's in trouble now._

"Yes, I am quite sure that Aro might. He has been _rather_ helpful." I smirked, teasing him a little.

Carlisle's face turned into that hard line again. Maybe I went too far.

"No. I don't think that will be necessary. You have mine," Carlisle said strongly. I shook his hand and could not hide the grin on my face.

By the end of the week, Jake and I were restless. We were waiting to hear something – anything – from the frat. Around two am Friday morning, I heard noises in our room. I opened my eyes to see Carlisle, Felix, Aro, and a man who I had learned to be Demetri, Felix's brother. Carlisle flipped the switch and the light blinded me. They told us to get dressed and when we were, they guided us over to the frat house. There were twelve other guys there. I knew the frat only took in half that. People usually quit, not from hazing, but because they were apparently, "lazy fucks only in it for the parties." Carlisle's words not mine.

We were lined up and told that we were the new pledge line for the year 2010. Should we make it, we would be fully fledged brothers by January of 2011. We were all excited. They outlined to us the rules: School first, public service, frat house chores (to which we all groaned), study hall, and we were the new source of entertainment at the frat's events.

I tried not to get excited. Jake and I both loved to plan parties (Yes, our gay was certainly showing). Next, we were assigned a current frat member to be our guides. It was to be the one that vouched for you. I looked at Carlisle and smiled. He smiled back at me and we fist bumped. Epic. I would have settled for a kiss, but this was good too. Carlisle then cleared his throat and the room fell silent.

"I will be addressed as Big Brother Farmer. You must learn ALL the brothers' frat names. You will address them as Big Brother and their frat name. Failure to comply will result in dismissal. Welcome probies, to the beginning of the end."

Had I known then what I knew now, I would have seriously reconsidered pledging. The last three weeks had been grueling. Jake and I were currently scrubbing the kitchen floor with toothbrushes. Felix was monitoring us while he played Dragon Age and drank a beer. I wanted to throw the toothbrush at him. Between school work, lack of sleep from all the hot steamy dreaming, and now scrubbing the floors on a daily basis, I was beat.

Then the reason why I kept pushing walked in. Carlisle was in a pair of black slacks, white button down shirt, with a green tie hanging loosely around his neck. He came over to greet us and praised us on the fine work we were doing. He bent down to our level and chatted with us. I had no idea what he was saying. I was lost in his smell, a mixture of Carlisle and cologne I've never smelt before. Jake noticed my sniffing and plucked me. Carlisle reminded us of our duties for tonight's Nu Alpha Tau-o-Ween. We nodded and I watched him stand gracefully and excuse himself to his room.

"Damn Edward!" Jake threw his toothbrush at me. "I thought you were going to crawl into his lap and eat him." We laughed, and I couldn't honestly deny his charge.

"Do you know the name of the cologne he was wearing?" I almost pleaded. I wasn't above spraying it on my pillow. Dork, I know.

A dork in love though. All this time I had been trying to deny it, but I couldn't any longer. I knew from the first moment I'd met him that he had my heart. However, he was with Platt, and very, very straight. It didn't matter that I noticed him sometimes staring, or if we had become friends that both loved reading medical journals before bed. We agreed that Ren & Stimpy was the best cartoon of all time!

_Argh!_ Obsessing about this again was not going to help.

"Ha! I knew you were sniffing him. It is called 'Black' by rue21. Not really my kind of scent." Jake shrugged and I made a mental note to buy a bottle.

Jake and I got up and began to prepare the house for the night's party. The probies had to do everything. We were decorating, getting the food and drink, cleaning up, and making sure no one under twenty-one was drinking. It was like a fulltime job. We called the remaining guys to get things done. After three weeks, there were only nine of us left, so we had our hands full. The down part of tonight was that we had to come dressed as female leading horror characters. I was pissed – I hated my legs and knew we most likely would end up in a dress. I may like men, but I was not into cross-dressing. Jake, however, was _way_ too excited.

With the house done, Jake and I ran to the basement to change and get ready. My awesome roommate was channeling Elvira for the evening. He fluffed his hair and even added extensions. I shook my head so many times by the time he was fully done, that I had a neck cramp. I must admit, though, he came close. Too close. I, however, just bought something off the rack and "allowed" Jake to help my make-up. I had to kept showing Jake the picture. How could he not know Sally from "Nightmare Before Christmas"? I questioned whether he even had a childhood. There was no way I was putting on a damn wig – my hair was perfect for this, especially after I added a little bit of red highlight to it.

The probies met Carlisle upstairs for inspection of our costumes and to receive our duties for the evening. I got lucky – I was just assigned to music and was already prepared. I had made an awesome playlist for the evening, so I wouldn't even have to stand there. On top of our tasks, we were each in charge of our voucher for the evening, making sure they didn't over- indulge.

A while later, the party was well on its way, and a total success. Even though I was "working," I had a great time. Carlisle had reappeared as a classic vampire and I imagined him devouring my neck. He was the only one that got that I was Sally, saying that it was one of the best animated holiday films ever made. Really, if I could convert him, I totally would.

Jake and I even got a chance to share a dance together later. I didn't see Carlisle again until I saw him chatting with my brother, but I kept my distance and watched from afar. As I turned the corner more, I could see that Emmett was holding hands with a blonde girl and Carlisle had his arm around _her_, Esme Platt; she was smiling up at him like a good little future wife. She was never mean whenever she was here; in fact, she was always nice to me, maybe even nicer to me than the others.

I still didn't like her.

Emmett came over and said he was proud of me for holding my ground. We did a man hug and he nodded to Carlisle before leaving. I guessed they were good then.

Esme pulled Carlisle to the dance floor. She kissed his cheek and he blushed slightly. _That was my blush you cock-blocking mega slut!_ Okay, I needed to calm down, but I couldn't. The music had switched to some Brazilian hip hop I found. I thought it was awesome yesterday, but I now wanted to burn it. Esme was all over Carlisle and he was smiling down at her. She would whisper to him from time to time. He was just swaying his hips, downing yet another drink. He had quite a few, now that I thought about it.

They danced for at least three straight songs. The more they danced, the angrier I got. Yet, my anger was thrown off by my worry. Carlisle had really drunk a lot tonight. Esme was grinding herself on Carlisle, her back to his chest. He was looking down at her, but then his eyes flashed towards me. I froze in my spot. These eyes were feral and I felt like he was reaching deep down within me. His gaze on me was intense as his hands started to move over Esme. I was imagining it was me he was touching instead. As Esme moved, and Carlisle's hands roamed, his eyes never left mine. Then I began to wonder again if Esme was just for show, or if this was me wishing for a reality that would never come.

The party was coming to an end. I asked Esme if she would be staying, but she said she had an early class, so I had one of the other probies escort her home. I needed to get Carlisle situated. After the house emptied, I found Carlisle lying on the pool table. Felix was semi-sober and told me that Carlisle hardly ever drank, and when he did, it was never this much. I took that information and stored it for later. Maybe something was wrong.

I lifted Carlisle up, and he was mumbling something I couldn't understand. I dragged him up to his room and sat him down on his bed. I took his shoes off first, but it was very hard, as Carlisle kept giggling. Carlisle started to run his fingers through my hair. I was a little shocked, and couldn't stop the moan that rolled out.

"It won't stay down," he slurred slightly. Carlisle was trying to tame my hair. I chuckled at his hopeless efforts.

"It has a mind of its own Big Brother Farmer," I told him. Carlisle laughed.

He tried to stand up to take his pants off. He was just not getting it, though, and ended up falling into me. I sat him back down and helped him out of his pants. I had always wanted to do this for him, but for entirely different reasons. I was sure he was going to puke on me before the night was over. That thought alone was helping me stay focused.

"You're such…a good probie." More slurring from Carlisle. I found it endearing.

"Thank you Big Brother Farmer." I smiled at him and continued my work.

Carlisle looked at me and searched my eyes for something. In that moment, he seemed so sober.

"So…so green." He breathed deeply and recited, "For half his flock were in their beds, or under green sods lay."

"Quoting Yeats to me now, Big Brother Farmer?" I laughed and took off the blasted cape that kept getting in the way. Next was his vest and fluffy white shirt. I left him in his black t-shirt and pumpkin boxers.

"We have lost two…no, three pledges. They weren't good. You… you make me so tired, Masen." He sighed and started to lie back on his bed.

"How do I do that, Big Bro…,"

"For the love of Christ. Why we chose to make you all say that is stupid. Call me Carlisle." He started to get settled in the bed and burrowed his head into his pillow. _So cute._ I went into his bathroom to get a glass of water and pain pills to sit by the bed. He would need them come morning. While in the bathroom, I quickly washed the damn makeup off my face. How women did it was beyond me. When I returned he was reminding me of his name.

"Carlisle it is then." I pulled the blankets up over him. I watched him as he started to drift. He was beautiful. I had turned to leave when I felt a hand grab me.

"Hmm, stay," Carlisle spoke softly. I made my way closer to him to make sure I heard him right.

Carlisle then pulled me down to kiss him. It was nothing like in my dream, nothing like it at all. It was better. It was like an eruption of every feeling I had in me. It was more passionate, with an edge to it. A roughness that felt like a desire that had been locked away. We finally broke for air and I was on a high.

"Nite nite, Edward." He passed out and I was left standing there, dumbfounded.

"It's official. I'm dead," I said, sinking down beside his bed.

I was still shocked, but I stayed and watched him sleep.

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**A/N: The second to last chapter will be up next week. It will be Carlisle's take on things. Thanks for reading.**


	2. Submerge

**A/N: I had originally wanted Carlisle's POV of the rest of their story to be in the contest. However, I was not able to write it in time for the contest. It's been outlined since the beginning. We do go back a little as Carlisle explains a few things, but it progresses soon enough. When upsidedownntwisted read my outline, he asked me, "Where's the lemon?" Thanks to him it was added to the original story line. I miss you bebe. Kisses to abbymickey24, TheLyricalCutie, and SagaDevotee.**

**All things Twilight are the property and ownership of S. Meyers. I make no money from my obsession.**

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**Chapter 2: Submerge – CPOV**

If there were different levels of hell, I'd feel like I was at the bottom. I was slowly waking up, daring not to move or to speak. I finally got the courage to open my right eye and noticed that I was at least in my room. There was also no one in bed next to me. Another plus. I opened my left one and winced at the bright light of the morning sun. I turned away from the light and saw a glass of water on my end table with two pain pills. I certainly needed them for the hangover that was pounding its way through my head.

Still lying down, I reached over to grab the pills and water, leaning up slightly so as not to choke. I slowly lay back down and let the medicine work. Sighing deeply, I reminded myself of all the reasons why I never drink. The results were the same: extremely hungover. Each time I'd vow to never drink that much again. Yet, here I was, wallowing in agony. I barely remembered anything from the night before. I scanned my mind, forcing the night's activities to come forward. I sighed again and covered my eyes with my arm, letting the other fall to the floor. My fingers brushed across something soft and silky. It felt like someone's hair! I peered over the side of my bed saw the body that laid there. At that moment, the memories came flooding back. Bronze messy hair, emerald eyes, and sweet lips invaded my mind. It all settled on one thing, a kiss and one person…_Edward_.

At the thought, I sat up swiftly. I regretted it immediately, but it didn't stop me from sitting up and checking to see if I was still dressed. After that kiss, he should have been lying next to me. I closed my eyes and remembered the taste of him. His lips tasted like salt, with a hint of lime, remnants of a shot he probably had at the party. But his tongue was like honey, sweet and strong with what I hoped was desire. I moaned, but quickly stopped myself. I couldn't allow this. Edward was dangerous. I had a plan and he was not a part of it.

A sleepy sigh drew my attention back to the floor. There in all his "Yes I am here to turn your life upside down" glory, was Edward Masen. He was wrapped in Esme's throw blanket that usually sat at the foot of my bed; his messy locks in even more a disarray than they usually were. It looked like he was using his Sally costume from last night as a pillow. Edward sighed again in his sleep and I laid back down on the edge of my bed to watch him. _So beautiful_. How did I let him worm his way under my shield? I began to remember everything that brought me to this moment…

_~~~TPE~~~~TPE~~~~TPE~~~~TPE~~~~_

It was the summer before my last year of college. Esme and I had stayed on campus the entire summer. We both had taken a few classes to finish up and then relaxed before the semester started. However, we made sure that the last two weeks before school were spent at home in Belle Fourche, South Dakota. It was farm country, very rural, but it was home. I knew the visit was going to be filled with questions like, "Will you and Esme be staying on the east coast?" or "Are you moving back right after graduation?"I wasn't prepared though for the questions from Esme's mom and my dad. I should have known they would have been curious about what our next step would be. I just had hoped I would have been able to give an answer. Those two had been trying to unite our family since both our moms were pregnant. So when my father asked me if I needed his mother's engagement ring for Esme, I knew my time was running out. In all honesty, it was blaring "GAME OVER!"

We arrived back on campus a little worse for wear. Esme's mom, Mrs. Platt, had asked her in every way possible when the two of us were going to be married. We both had secrets to hide and had been each other's guardians of those secrets for a long time. I could always trust Esme and I loved her dearly, just as I knew she loved me. Yet, that love is like one would have for a best friend or sibling. She was my best friend and I had been confiding in her since we learned to speak. Besides my closest frat brothers, Aro, Felix, and Demetri, Esme was the only other person that knew I was gay.

She knew how my father, The Reverend Caius Cullen, would react if he ever found out. A farmer's son wasn't supposed to turn out _that_ way. If said farmer turned out to be the town's pastor, it definitely would be a scandal. I could not be the cause of my father's heart attack nor my own death. However, this farce with Esme would have to end soon. She had been the girlfriend I needed to keep our family and interested parties off our backs. No one knew that Esme had been dating her architectural design professor, Dr. Marcus Masterson, since freshman year at KWU. No one knew but me. It was taboo for sure and she needed a fake boyfriend to keep the rumors at bay. As she had done for me, I had done for her.

Keeping in line with our roles, Esme had joined me at my side as I welcomed back our frat brothers. Plus she was dying to hear about Aro's summer exploits back in Italy. Those two could gossip for hours. We were on the lawn talking with Felix as he lugged his trunk out his car. I saw a flash of red in the distance and I peeped around Felix's hulking frame to see what it was. Stark green eyes grabbed my attention first. The penny colored hair that glistened red in the sun caught me second. I could see that his lips were perfect, settled in a small smile as he took in the campus. He was also sporting a 5 o'clock shadow that I wouldn't mind nuzzling… _Don't even think about it, Carlisle_, I chastised my thoughts.

I had to remember my rules. I never dated anyone that went to this KWU, related to anyone from KWU, lived in or was from the Dakotas, or was looking for a relationship. That left me with a very small pool, which is why I hadn't hooked up with anyone in over a year. So this guy was definitely a no-no. Felix went back in the house and Esme had turned back to me after chatting with Felix's brother Demetri. She was saying something, but I was paying her no mind. She touched my arm and just like that, the mysterious guy turned his eyes away from me.

"Woman, I swear I am going to kill you!" I whisper yelled at her.

"Oh Carlisle, what in the world…," she started and her sentence switched to a giggle. "Oh fresh meat," she said, knowingly while observing the object of my gaze.

I rolled my eyes at her and took my last look at the gorgeous guy. Jacob Black was standing next to him and had thrown his arm over his shoulder. _Mine!_ I growled inside my mind. I shook my head to clear my raging thoughts. I did not know who the guy was, but I didn't like that Jacob had his hands on him. He was this annoying freshman from last year that was at every frat party and open event that we had. He was constantly hovering and always checking me out. Jacob was cute, don't get me wrong. He just wasn't my type. More importantly, I didn't want anyone to start to thinking I was gay.

I mean I am. I had been since the day I accidentally walked in on Esme and Roger Nelson from two farms over having sex in the barn. We were sixteen and the summer hormones were raging. I found it odd that it wasn't her body that turned me on, but Roger's. That was my "Oh, I like boys," moment.

Jacob had been a whirlwind when we first met. He was openly gay and attended, sponsored and sometimes starred in all the Lesbian, Bisexual, Gay, Transgender, Questioning Organization (LBGTQ) events on campus. I never outed myself when I attended one of their functions. Esme was always in tow and our affection was clearly "evident." I solely attended as a fraternity brother supporting campus events and to receive credit towards my philanthropy requirement. Jacob had the love of his family and the support of his friends. He could be himself and here I was still hiding in the dark. I envied him. Now I envied him even more. He had someone I wanted. I was determined to find out who was this new friend of his_._

Esme teased me relentlessly. She knew I was breaking my rules by even entertaining the idea of this guy. Finding out who he was would certainly bring about trouble. However, I could not get his stare out my dreams. If he was hanging out with Jacob, he had to be a sophomore. He was a new face, so I assumed transfer student. Once my gears finished turning, I had Esme chat it up a little bit to see if she could find out anything. She returned to me the next day with a fair warning and told me only one thing, his name and I knew he was off limits.

His name was Edward Masen, little brother to none other than Emmett Masen. All star football player at KWU, captain of the team, loved by all, and number one in the "I hate Carlilse Cullen" line. My hopes of actually getting a chance to break my rules came to a screeching halt. Esme sighed and sat next to me as I frowned. That shit with Embry Call was still a clusterfuck of bad memories. Emmett didn't have the whole truth about the situation and I am sure he would warn off his brother from me. Not that I would go for him anyway. My own issues were holding me back. I didn't want to be out. I wasn't ready to take that step, so I just pushed him out my mind and forgot about the possibilities.

The weeks passed and classes were underway. My summer endeavors worked out well as I only had my two classes and TA work for the year. I had finished my own two classes as the morning ended. I was waiting for Dr. Uley to show up for his Anatomy II class and trying to keep my thoughts focused on the start of the semester. We hadn't gotten a chance to discuss things yet for this class and I wanted a few minutes to know the game plan. He strolled in ten minutes before class time looking worse for wear; too many hits of the flask before the start of your day would do that to you. We chatted about what he would want me to do for this class, basically everything. That was fine. I liked having the experience.

Dr. Uley started class and a few stragglers made their way in just in time. The last one had me doing a double take. I kept telling myself that it couldn't be him, maybe this was a mistake, or maybe I was still sleeping. Yet, there was no mistaking it. From the tips of his wild bronze hair to his inviting lips… Well, I had to stop here because my body was beginning to react to this boy that had awakened me. Why had I not looked over the roster before? I would have had the same reaction, but at least I would have been prepared.

He sat down in his seat. I tried to avoid his gaze with very little success. Throughout class our eyes kept connecting; fire, curiosity, interest. I wanted to reach out to him on several occasions. As I passed out the syllabus I may or may not have lingered by his row. He was pulling me to him and I doubted he even knew the power he already held over me. Edward was challenging me to be more of a man, but I wasn't ready.

By the end of class I had warred with myself so much that I was practically flustered and barely registered as class was dismissed. Edward would be my downfall. I would have to avoid him at all costs. That was my only hope. It would be difficult with this class, but I had to try.

The week passed and I had successfully evaded Edward on campus. I wasn't so lucky in my dreams and thoughts. There was one particular dream where we made out in front of the entire Anatomy class. I still wasn't sure how I felt about that, but Esme found it hilarious. She was taking bets with Aro on how long I was going to last. The traitor had confirmed his suspicions of my new obsession and both took the pleasure of teasing me. I was sure it was at the cookout we had that rose Aro's suspicions of my _feelings _toward Edward. I was totally useless after the cookout to even participate in the discussion about the potential pledges.

Edward showed up to Nu Alpha Tau's Rush Week's BBQ and ruined all hopes of focus. He was smart, funny, confident, and smoldering. What made him even more attractive was that he didn't even realize it. He even flirted with me. I acted as if I hadn't noticed, but my body was alive and was dying to drag him back up to my room and have my way with him. The possibility of him being a new pledge would kill me, but I would love for him to be a part of this fraternity. It could do great things for him. Of course having him under my _tutelage_ wasn't a bad thing either. The only problem was my survival.

Jacob was flirting heavily with me and I couldn't thank Aro more for taking him off my hands. If the noises I heard from his room were correct, I'd say it was more than his hands. I liked Jacob and hoped that Aro's ways wouldn't taint him. He too could benefit from the frat.

Two weeks passed and I wasn't any better, neither were Esme's and Aro's constant jokes. Thursday's dinner wasn't an exception to their teasing. The three of us always got together for some downtime. It was our tradition of sorts. I was happy I had someone to talk to about this, but didn't like the consequences of sharing.

"I really don't understand why I am friends with you, Aro," I said to my teasing so-called friend.

"Oh Carlisle, you wound me so. Ever since you have become smitten with this Emerson boy, all the fun has left you," he spoke while stealing one of my dumplings.

"It's Edward. And stop eating my food. Don't you have your own?"

"Carlie, you do know I love your _tastes_ better. Don't you want to share?" he asked and I knew he wasn't just talking about my dumplings.

I simply growled at him and tossed a dumpling at his head. This was always the case with Aro. He was an equal opportunity man-whore. He'd sleep with anyone willing. One thing for sure was that he always wanted what I had. Even more trite was that he didn't mind sloppy seconds. Well Edward he couldn't have, though I hadn't had him myself.

"Even though I'm avoiding him and not risking the rest of my sanity for him, doesn't make him available to you. Take Esme," I said teasingly.

"I didn't fuck him when he asked four years ago and I am not about to start now," Esme yelled from the other side of the couch.

"Et tu Esme?" Aro said, placing his hand above his heart. So dramatic.

"I know where that cock of yours has been. No way," she laughed.

They continued to tease each other and I lost myself in thoughts of Edward. Maybe I could get closer to him. Maybe we could be friends. The year had just started. We were only three weeks in. Who the hell was I kidding?! I was doomed to fail. Seeing him in class wasn't enough. I knew that, but I couldn't act on my desires. I needed a bigger distraction.

"CARLISLE! I'm talking to you," Aro yelled at me, breaking me from my thoughts.

"Just get used to it, Aro. He has the Ed-glaze going on. When that brain of his gets tuned into Edward central, it's all over for the rest of us," she giggled and Aro joined her.

"What was it that you said, Aro?" I asked, ignoring Esme's jibe.

"I asked if you wanted to go into town. Maybe find someone to forget about your little obsession."

"That's actually not a bad idea," I replied.

Esme bowed out, stating that she had to get settled in her new apartment. I knew she would be spending it with Professor Masterson. Their little love affair had blossomed into something wonderful, minus the secrecy of course. It was the one thing she hadn't told Aro. He only knew of my secret by accident, as he was at Flex, a gay club in the next town, when I was freshman year. I hoped that was where we were headed tonight. I needed the outlet.

"You do know that you're fucked if he pledges," Aro said, his voice echoing over the silence of the car.

I simply nodded. There was nothing I could do. Tonight I could try to forget. I could have someone else's face and touch evading my mind. His touch… Edward's glorious long fingers…

"You've got that Emerson-glaze again," Aro said, laughing as I sighed.

"It's Ed-glaze. Get it straight."

"For you, that is simply impossible."

We both laughed and minutes later we had arrived at Flex. As we pulled up to the club, I immediately regretted the decision to come here. We got in quickly thanks to Aro's "familiarity" with the bouncer. As usual, the dance floor was already filled. Bodies were grinding against each other and the booze was flowing. Aro grabbed my hand and pulled me onto the dance floor. For a moment, I wanted to leave, but I remembered how much I needed this release. Aro turned and placed my hands on his hips. We both moved and swayed to the beat of the music. He pushed himself back into me and I lowered my head to his throat.

I began to wonder what it would be like to dance with Edward this way. What would he smell like after dancing with me for hours? Would he like it if I kissed his neck? Would he let me press myself further into him, grinding myself into him? Could he feel my hand slowly working itself down his chest while the other tugs at his hair? I would love to feel him turn in my arms, looking at me with want as we rubbed our hardened cocks against each other. What would he taste like? Just a little bite on his neck…

"Carlie… We dance to make others jealous, not to cockblock each other," a low voice said in my ear.

My trance was broken and I was staring into Aro's blue eyes. They were the wrong color. His shoulder-length, black hair was not the reddish brown I wanted. He was too tall, too muscular. His body wasn't the lean physique I craved to writhe under me. It was Aro's smirk that made me realize that my imagination had run away with me. This was not _my _Edward. This was my fucking frat brother.

"Oh don't pout, Carlie. Now stop grinding on me and release me to the wolves," Aro yelled out.

I turned him and pushed him forth. I put up a sign for three, meaning that I would be ready to leave by then. It was only eleven. That would give us plenty of time to find someone, hook up, and meet back here to leave. I made my way to the bar to get a better view of the crowd. I ordered my Jameson and cranberry and simply tried to find my distraction. I spotted Aro dragging some tall, tanned fellow. It seems like Jacob may have made an impression. I chuckled at my friend as he winked over his shoulder at me. Good for him.

By midnight, I had been hit on so many times and had rejected them all. Too short. Too tall. Too thin. Hair too straight. Hair too curly. Bad breath. Smelled bad. Every guy that came over, I had an excuse. By one am, the bartender was rejecting them for me. He had gotten tired of me constantly turning down wasted drinks offered by would be hook-ups. All of them weren't Edward. I had tried to keep him from my thoughts, but I could hear his laugh and remember the way he looked at me.

Aro came back not long after one. He saw me still in the same spot and knew I hadn't left. I just shrugged my shoulders at his questioning look. He didn't tease me this time. Aro just patted me on the back and we headed back to campus.

Edward did pledge the frat and he was so prepared. I didn't like it at all that Aro had been sniffing around. He was only doing it to provoke me and damn if it was working. I became Edward's vouch for the fraternity, making him my responsibility. Oh the thoughts I had of him on his knees, telling Big Brother Farmer he would do anything to please me. With those thoughts in mind, I began to give in a little. We could be friends, good friends. Edward was a great guy and I wanted him to like me.

By October, he was an embedded figure in my life. He was dedicated to learning everything about the frat. He wasn't in it just for Jacob and I was glad. Edward found the same values that I did in this organization and I had no doubt he would be president of Nu Alpha Tau before he graduated. He was a hard worker and did his chores around the house as asked. I even caught sight of him shirtless while he and Jacob mowed our big back yard. He was dripping sweat and I wanted to eat him alive.

"Big Brother Farmer, we are almost done here," Edward spoke.

"No rush, Edward," I said and remembering Jacob. "…and Jacob. You two are doing fine work here. Carry on."

"Thank you Big Brother Farmer," Edward said with a huge smile.

"When you are done, there are some things I need you to do in my bedroom," I spoke.

Edward choked and flushed red. I walked over to him and touched his shoulder. I called his name, but it seemed as though he wasn't breathing and if he didn't start soon he was going to faint. It was late October and somewhat warm for this late in the year. I thought perhaps he was sick. There was always a case where a pledge would push themselves too much.

"Carlisle, you need to stop touching him," Jacob said as he rushed over.

"That's Big Brother Farmer and I am pre-med, Jacob. I know what I'm doing. Edward, look at me. I need you to breathe," I said slowly.

That only resulted in Edward slipping to the grass in a big huff of air.

"Now you've broken him. Carl…I mean Big Brother Farmer, I can take care of him. He's fine. Just a little tired from all this work. Please let me take care of him," Jacob pleaded.

I didn't know why, but I assessed Edward one more time. I asked him if he was okay.

"I'm…okay Big Brother Farmer. Just a little worn out. Jacob will take care of me just fine."

I reluctantly left him in the hands of Jacob. I admit that I was a little possessive at that moment. I wanted to care for him. He was not mine to care for though and that line I was trying not to cross began to dissolve more and more.

By the time of the frats annual Halloween party, I was ready to tackle Edward and take him back to my room for the rest of the school year. When he came dressed as Sally from _Nightmare Before Christmas_ I thought I'd died and gone to heaven. Not because of the cross dressing, but because it was one of my favorite holiday movies. I sent him about his tasks and went to find Esme. She was already laying out my costume.

"I knew you had forgotten to get your own costume. We are going as classic vampires, not that sparkly crap," she said.

"Esme, what am I going to do?"

"Get dressed, stop moping, get drunk, and forget your woes for one night," she replied.

"I think…I think…," I tried to say, admit the truth.

"Use your big boy words Carlisle," she mocked.

"Damn you woman!" I shrieked at her. I sighed, running my hand through my hair. A trait, I noticed, that I had picked up from Edward. "I think I want to come out. He makes me want to be out. Be free. Be with him," I whisper-yelled.

"Then stop being chicken-shit about it and do it," she yelled back. She sighed and patted the spot next to her on the couch. I plopped down with a dramatic huff. "Look, I have known you forever. This has been eating you up inside. Let go, Carlisle. I know for a fact he's interested. Is that what you're worried about?"

He was? Well I kinda thought so with all the flirting, but what if he was like that with others.

"Just take a risk. You'll have to do something at some point. I won't be your beard when the semester ends. I have to live my life too," Esme spoke softly.

"I understand, Esme. You have been a great friend and I am sorry to have used you so. You deserve better," I whispered, wrapping her in my arms.

"I was agreeable too. But I am in love and maybe it's about time you find that too."

Esme kissed my cheek and left me to get ready. By the time I made it down to the party, it was in full swing. My Edward had done a great job with the music. I greeted our guests and hung out with Esme. She was right. I needed to do this. I downed my first beer and sent Esme off to refill me. Liquid courage was the key. I felt a tap on my shoulder and turned to see none other than Emmett Masen with Rosie Hale. She was a bombshell and brains to boot. She was studying pre-med along with me. She was going to make a great pediatrician one day.

"Rosie, glad you could make it," I said.

"You too Carl. Where's Esme?" Rosie asked.

"Getting me more beer," I replied, turning my eyes to Emmett.

He and Rosie exchanged a look and he sighed, nodding at whatever her eyes told him.

"I'll go find her and see if she needs help," Rosie said, walking back towards the kitchen.

Only the surrounding conversations and music filled the air around us. It was becoming a little awkward.

"So you and Rosie?" I asked.

"She doesn't let anyone, but her mom and me call her Rosie. She must really value you as a friend," Emmett stated.

"Since Freshman year," was all I replied.

"Look, Rosie told me that I could trust you, trust the frat. She also told me how her roommate dated Embry. I was given a very different perspective of the guy I thought I knew. I was wrong about him. I still don't know the full truth of what happened that night, maybe I never will, " Emmett stated and I nodded to him.

"Sometimes we never know the ones closest to us," I said and it was Emmett's turn to nod.

" This is true. However, I am willing to give you the chance I should have. You deserve it, especially since Edward has been singing the frat's praises. And also yours. My brother has never defended something or someone so strongly," Emmett smiled.

Edward had defended me against his own brother. Wow! Maybe Esme was right after all.

"I appreciate that Emmett and thank you," I said, extending my hand to him.

Rosie and Esme showed back up just as our handshake ended. They commended us on being "big boys" and working out our shit. This had me feeling great. I had more beer and another and another. I even downed a shot or two with Felix. This was going to be a great night.

Esme pulled me out on our makeshift dance floor as I felt the buzz taking over. I was going to make my move tonight. She had given me the push and the alcohol was giving me courage.

"Don't make an ass out of yourself, Carlisle," she whispered in my ear and I couldn't help but laugh.

We joked and danced most of the night. Felix kept my cup filled and the shots plentiful. I couldn't wait to talk to Edward. I searched the room for him and found him staring directly at me. He looked angry and it was so fucking sexy. Why he was so mad, I didn't know, but I could make him smile. I forgot Esme was in my arms and was practically humping her on the dance floor. Esme was buzzed and didn't mind me dancing this way with her. She told me it was the pre-show for her dear professor. I wished it was Edward I was holding, seducing, caressing. Oh how he would feel in my hands.

Next thing I knew we were in my room and he was undressing me. I told him how he made me feel and then I kissed him. I took a leap and kissed him with all that I had. It must have been some kiss because I woke up with a splitting headache and Edward asleep on my floor.

_~~~TPE~~~~TPE~~~~TPE~~~~TPE~~~~_

As the memories finished playing across my mind, my hand tentatively reached to touch Edward's face. He had hooked me in so deep and he probably didn't even realize it. Edward then turned his head and nuzzled my hand. I couldn't tell if it was my sigh or his, but I wanted to kiss him again. Before I could let my mind flood with reasons why I shouldn't, I leaned down from my bed to his lips.

"Mmmmm…," Edward moaned into my mouth, "Carlisle?"

"Yes…," I whispered, grasping his head closer to deepen the kiss.

I was lost and confused and on fire and consumed. How could I have been denying myself for so long? He had wanted me all this time and I was going to take everything he could give me.

Too caught up in the kiss, I hadn't noticed that Edward was trying to push me away. I only wanted him to continue to touch me. I pulled back to see his mesmerizing green orbs staring back at me in shock and lust.

"Am I dreaming?" He asked so innocently.

I couldn't help but chuckle, "No, but if you were, would you rather be wondering if you were asleep or trying to see how this could end before you woke."

I didn't know where this dark and husky voice came from, but Edward's reaction was enough for me to want to try it again. He leaped up from the floor, knocking me back on my bed. He stared back at me and I was beginning to come to my senses. Edward must have sensed this as well, as he ground his erection into me. His lips found mine once again and had not been enraptured by his taste; I would have lessened the sound of the groan I released. It was no matter at this point, as I was sure I had just awakened the entire house.

Edward pressed harder into me, his lips traveling down from mine to my neck. I bucked my hips into his, causing some much needed friction. He definitely wanted me and that made my heart flutter faster. With my new found passion, I flipped Edward onto his back. I wanted to taste him all over. I began kissing down his chest, rolling the edge of his undershirt up. His skin felt fantastic, ripped abs, toned, and I bet delicious. He was perfection and deadly.

"Carlisle, more please," Edward begged.

I couldn't deny him. His shirt was off in an instant and I dove back in, tasting him. I nipped at his left nipple earning a hiss from him. I repeated it on the other side, hoping to earn the same response. Edward did not disappoint. I began to kiss further down his chest, my heart beating faster and faster. This was it. I pondered if I could do this, break all my rules, give in to temptation.

"Carlisle, we can stop. We don't have to go any further," Edward spoke, his voice sounding so downtrodden.

"It's just that you break me over and over till you make me whole again. I don't know which way is up," I said, ending in almost a whisper_. _

"I have known what I wanted for a long time Carlisle. I know you enough to know that you think far too much. This is giving in, not giving up," Edward said so wisely.

"Fuck it," I growled before attacking him with fervor.

I gave in to the desire, in to Edward. We were consumed by each other and I didn't know how much more I could wait. His shirt was practically torn from him. He pulled my shirt over my head and it joined his on the floor. His hands were around my neck, pulling me closer. I could not touch him enough. I reached over him to my end table and frantically seized the lube and a condom. Edward's hands found their way into my boxer briefs first.

"So this is what's been hiding from me. Damn Carlisle!" Edward moaned.

"I need to be in you Edward. I cannot wait."

I was practically ripping his boxers off in the next second. My need for him was overwhelming. It was as if everything had been depending on this moment. When my hardened length touched his, I nearly came right then. I couldn't help but rub against him. I hovered above him and watched as he gripped the both of us and began to stroke. My arms wavered for a second, but I began to thrust in his hands. I had to still him eventually though. I did not want to come this way.

I leaned back down to kiss him again. Edward must have been as needy as me. He snatched the bottle of lube and poured a generous amount onto my fingers. I brought my fingers down his length sensually. I found his aching hole and circled the entrance. Edward hissed and moaned. The sounds coming from him made me want to be deep inside him. The foreplay was too much for us both. I pressed my finger slowly in and enjoyed the tightness. I began to pump my finger in and out, adding another when he seemed ready. I grabbed him with the other hand and started stroking him. Edward was a panting mess as I was bringing him to the edge and then retreating back.

"Please, Carlisle. Please, I can't take it," Edward begged and I vowed to get him to do it again. And again.

That made me freeze. Edward was out of the proverbial closet. There was no doubt he would want more after this. Could I give it to him?

"Just give in, Carlisle. Give in and fuck me," He growled, pushing his hips up.

I squeezed him and stroked him a few more times. He was ready and if I didn't get in him soon, I would back out.

Sliding the condom on to me, I added more lube. I didn't even look in Edward's eyes as I began to push into him. He felt so good and I went tortuously slow. Once seated all the way in, I let loose a heavy sigh. He felt amazing and not just to my body, but to my soul as well. I felt him move up and thrust back to me. Edward was ready and I was too. He met me thrust for thrust, each time moving faster and faster. His left leg came around my waist and pulled me closer to him. His hands wove into my hair and pulled me to him for a kiss.

I chanted his name over and over in my head. He tasted magnificent and he felt ten times better. I rose up and back, pulling Edward to me. I gripped his hips tight and his hands wrapped around my arms, holding tight. I pounded into him over and over. Then I finally hit that spot and Edward tensed and begged for more. I was lost in the ecstasy and knew I was close. I just wanted him to come first.

"So close, Edward. Come for me. Give in to me," I asked of him, wanting to feel his essence all over me.

I wrapped my hands around him and stroked, matching our rhythm. Edward gasped and then reached up to capture me, pulling me on top of him. He exploded between us, covering both our chests. It was all I needed to join him and fell over as well.

We were both panting, trying to catch our breaths, our foreheads touching. That was this most amazing orgasm of my life. I opened my eyes to see his sweat drenched face, filled with bliss. I wanted to see it forever, but I was scared. What had I done? I had to let this idea of having everything go. I was a selfish fool. Slowly, I removed myself from him and tossed the used condom in the trash. Edward went to reached out for me, but I eased away from his touch. I turned away from his hurt look and began to clean up. I passed him my old shirt to wipe himself off.

"How about breakfast? Stef's Diner is not too far from here," I suggested. "You can use my en suite bathroom to clean up. I will use the hall one."

"We could just stay here and…talk," Edward countered, wrapping his arms around me from behind.

I leaned in to his touch and sighed as I felt his kisses along my neck. My stomach must have decided to assist me in my getaway and growled loudly. Edward chuckled and said maybe we could just order in. I made the excuse of loving their pancakes more. Edward nodded, somewhat placated by my suggestion.

"There is still the option of the shower…," he said, hopeful. "I understand if this is all new to you. We never talked about this. I've been where you are. It's hard your first time with another man, realizing truths."

"_This_…," I said, waving my hand between us. "…was not my first time. Hurry and get dressed. I will meet you downstairs in 10 minutes."

I saw Edward flinch and I exited the room quickly, heading to the hall bathroom. I splashed some cold water on my face and stared at the relaxed and resolved expression I wore. I had never been so satisfied and horrified at the same time. There was no way I could continue with him. It would only end in heartbreak for the both of us. I just had to get through the rest of the year with him in the Frat and I wouldn't have to see him again. Edward would understand. He would have to. I would make sure of it.

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**A/N: Yeah so Carlisle is stupid and confused. This was supposed to be the end, but there is one more chapter to close out this baby. Carlisle is a chatty bastard lol. My flash drive crashed, hence the late post. Recovery is a nightmare. I have lost at least 85% of my files. Luckily, a rough version of this chapter was in my email. Mwah SH for all your extra help.**


	3. Tread

**A/N: This chapter is super late. I know. I am back to work after maternity leave and its crazy busy. Add in taking care of a baby, a toddler, and a husband is extremely intelligent but has no common sense and it's a reality tv show! Lol! Thanks all for your patience. Sorry for any mistakes you see. My homey SagaDevotee is putting on her beta hat for me, but I keep going back to change things behind her back. This story may have opened up with EPOV, but this story is truly about Carlisle and his struggle to accept himself. So you won't hear from Eddie until the epi.**

**All things Twilight are the property and ownership of S. Meyers. I make no money from my obsession.**

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**Chapter 3: Tread - CPOV**

Change has always been difficult for me to process. I never took it easily; I was hard as steel and rigid in my form. I could never be like the reed, able to bend and fold with the wind. I required structure and schedules, craved stability. I liked to know what was going to happen and how to make oppositions crumble. There was no obstacle that stood in my path.

My future was mapped out and ready for me to follow it. The best medical school awaited me, a residency already in the queue at three of the best hospitals, and funding set in place for school and even after when I started my own practice. All of which I had gained through the fraternity. I knew joining Nu Alpha Tau would open many doors for me. The right connections could help you do anything. I needed this money help to fulfill my dreams. I was worried that if I came out as being gay, all of it would disappear. In addition to my fears, I had a promise to keep back home. The good people of Belle Fourche needed someone like me; a good doctor to heal their bodies as they worked their lands.

Edward was not part of the plan. He was the square peg in the round hole of my dreams. Yet he inspired fantasies that I found to be dangerous. There was no time for deviation and he would certainly set me off the path. With a renewed focus, I pushed thoughts of Edward Masen from my mind. My plan would not falter and I would not let some _boy_change everything I had worked hard for. I rushed in the shower with a new sense of determination. Once out, I changed into the clothes I had brought in with me. I took a moment to stare at the reflection in the mirror. I searched for my strength, gripped tightly to it and headed back to Edward.

I was rooted.

I was solid.

There was no breaking of my plan.

This was a minor setback.

I am not the reed...but did I love the feel of the wind on my face.

I sighed and ran my hand over my face. I had already been gone too long and did not want Edward to come looking for me. This was going to be difficult, especially after last night. Thoughts of the way he touched me and his feel of his lips on my shoulder began to flood my mind. My hand absentmindedly ran over the mark I had found in the shower where he had bitten down too hard. I groaned, frustrated by my mind's lack of focus. I need the voice of reason. I needed to talk to Esme.

She was my compass when I was lost. Yet, I had to be careful. Esme could also pull me off the path. She had a habit of telling me what was best me and how I needed to shake things up a bit. I must admit that sometimes she was right, but I usually never listened. I'd hope that this call would find us in sync. I quickly grabbed my phone and dialed her number.

"Do you know what time it is, Cullen?" Esme groaned.

"Good morning to you too, Platt. How's the good professor?" I asked teasingly.

"Already left for the day. He has a meeting," she grumbled and yawned.

"On the weekend?" I inquired.

"What is it with the twenty questions? Just tell me what you want already!"

I sighed and just dived right in.

"I may or may not have….sleptwithEdwardthismorning," I whispered in a rush.

"Crazy frat boy say what?" Esme chortled and then let loose a huge laugh.

"Oh laugh it up! You know this is a huge deal breaker for me. I don't hook up with guys from school, let alone my frat. This can't continue and it is certainly not a part of the plan," I growled.

"That fucking plan of yours is going to end up getting you killed one day," she mumbled.

"MeMe, please...," I whined.

"You haven't called me MeMe since we were eight," she giggled then sighed. "Carlie, I love you. You are my brother, family though and through. But I gotta say you're an idiot."

"But you don't under…," I attempted to explain.

"I do understand," she said fiercely, interrupting me. You are so caught up on a timetable, on a plan you had in place 4 years ago. Things change and that's okay Carlisle. Change is okay. It's time for The Farmer to reap this crop and keep it. Maybe this is just what you need. If you are worried about your position, I highly doubt Nu Alpha Tau would want a lawsuit. You have done great work and they know that. There is no excuse left for you."

"What about you? If I come out with Edward, then you and Masterson would be found out," I pleaded.

"That's where Marcus is this morning; his contingency plan. My darling professor is getting published," Esme swooned. "Don't turn this on me. Do it Carlisle and you won't regret it," she said before the line went dead.

_KNOCK KNOCK_

"SWEET BABY JEEBUS!" I said, startled by the knock on the bathroom door.

I swung it open to see Edward, a confused look on his face. He asked if I was okay and I assured him I was fine. I rushed back to my room to grab my shoes and jacket. I lead Edward out my room and we headed down the stairs. I was surprised by how quiet it was in the house. That was until I heard moaning from Aro's room. I sighed and rolled my eyes as we walked past and Edward chuckled. As we reached the front door, Edward grabbed my hand, but I quickly removed it. I did so under the guise of locking the door. Of course Edward saw through that. He didn't try to reach for hand again.

We were silent as we walked. Edward was content just enjoying the air around us. I needed the silence to arrange my thoughts. Even without thinking, my body was still drawn to him like magnets, pulling each other closer and closer. We never touched, but I could feel the heat radiating off his body, the scent of my shower gel covered him, and whatever he was thinking, caused his lips to turn up in a smirk. I was going to ask him what he was thinking. My curiosity must have been showing because he answered before the words left my mouth.

"You keep sniffing me. I know I don't smell, as I used your shower gel. Happy to have your scent on me, Carlisle?" Edward jested.

Why yes I was happy that my scent was on him, but I could not let him know that. So I changed my answer to something more fitting to what I had planned.

"Yes, that scent is my favorite. It is very hard to find and I was wondering how much you had used."

That seemed callous enough. It garnered the reaction I was hoping for. Edward scrunched up his face and a pink hue rose on his cheeks. He lowered his head and maybe I had gone a bit too far. Even before we had slept together, Edward was my friend and pledge of my fraternity. I did not have to be so harsh. Still, I didn't apologize.

We arrived at Stef's Diner a few minutes later. The air was tense between us and not even the smell of Stef's mouthwatering pancakes was going to fix it; for it was about to get worse. I directed us to a booth in the back. We exchanged a few sighs and some clearing of throats. I was about to start, but our waitress took that moment to come over to take our order.

"Hi, I'm Reese. Can I get you something to drink," she said not even looking up at us.

We ordered and stared at our menus like it was a lifeline. Reese came back to take our order and Edward sighed and spoke.

"Carlisle, what is it that you need to say. I can tell something is bothering you. Are you ashamed of what we did?" He asked, his voice unwavering.

"No, I am not ashamed. It is just that I am trying to figure out what you expect of this," I said, trying to look at him, but not directly into his eyes.

Those green eyes were distracting. I could easily imagine waking up to them for a very long time. I closed my eyes to relish and also grieve for a future I would not have. Our food came disrupting my thoughts. Edward didn't even pick up his fork. He was very serious about getting me to talk. Edward sighed and began to speak.

"Don't you feel this, between us? It's like we have been dancing around each other all semester. You mentioned that this was not your first time. Are you bi? Gay? Is Esme your beard or something? I just feel like we connect and I hope we could continue, have more," Edward said, rushing out the last part in a gust of air.

It was now or never.

"Edward, things aren't always like they seem. People aren't always like they seem. I was…," I paused, hoping a good reason other than the truth would come into my head. "…experimenting."

Nope. Not a good reason at all.

"I highly doubt that Carlisle. You certainly do not _fuck _like you were experimenting," Edward voiced.

I sighed, resigned to the fact that I could not lie my way out of a paper bag. Hearing Edward say fuck did not help matters either.

"What do you want me to say? You saw how difficult it was for me. I just want to go back the way it was before we…you know," I said, waving my hand in the air.

"Are you kidding me? I have seen the way you have look at me. I have felt the way your eyes burn into me," Edward said and then grabbed my hand. "You feel that when we touch? The way you feel sets fire to my very being and I know you feel it too, feel it right now."

He was right, but he didn't understand that I could not just give in to him. I had made a lot of sacrifices with my heart. My love life had no place in my future. I couldn't let everything go because he thought he could change me. He had it easy. He had been out for quite some time. I had been in the closet for almost a decade. He couldn't imagine the grief I had felt, the desire I had wanted to give in to. I couldn't risk it on Edward when he was only going to leave me and break me. I wouldn't survive that.

"I am not gay," I spoke the words to him and they were like acid in my mouth.

"Sure you're not," he said, his sarcasm evident. "I see you now Carlisle. The blinders are off. You're scared. I get that. But why live that way? Why deny who you really are? I have been there. You don't want to live that life. Man up. You have more support than you think."

Man up! What did he think I was doing? I wasn't playing around with my life.

"You just don't get it. I don't have it so easy like you. You have the perfect mommies setting the example, acceptance everywhere you go. I had to work very hard to get to where I am now. I had to make a lot of sacrifices to set my career path. Do you know who I have backing me? I have Past Nu Alpha Tau presidents that are doctors, lawyers, congressmen. They wouldn't represent the likes of me if they found out I fucked men. Losing everything I've worked for just because some _boy_has a crush is not worth it!" I growled out, slamming my hand down on the table.

Edward's face turned cold, stoic. Yet his eyes looked far broken than I ever wanted to see.

"Just some boy with a crush?" Edward whispered, shaking his head back and forth.

Oh God! What had I said? Edward was so red that I thought he might explode. I went to reach for him, but he flinched back. The stoic look he once held was gone. He looked murderous, pained, and I was the one that did that to him. This was what I wanted, right? I wanted him away from me. I wanted him to never pursue me. At what cost?

"You know what, _Big Brother Farmer_, you don't know shit about me. You don't know what I had to go through to be the man I am today. It wasn't easy for me, but I had to do what was right. It was so fucking freeing. I live for no one but me. But you, you care too much about other's opinion of you that you have forgotten how to live. How are you supposed to become a doctor and save lives when you can't even live yourself? Life is too short to be wasted on who I'm not," Edward spat and rose quickly from the table.

"Edward, I didn't mean…," I attempted to apologize.

"Save it!" He whisper yelled. He threw a twenty down on the table, "For your troubles, since I wasn't worth much anyway."

Edward stormed away and I watched him leave. I was glued to my seat, wanting to go chase him down and beg forgiveness, but I knew I couldn't give him what he needed. I knew I wasn't ready to be brave and come out like him. What had happened to him to change his mind? I could no longer ask these questions. I could no longer talk to him as a friend.

I was an ass. I didn't need Esme to tell me this. Yet, this was for the greater good. I got up from the table and made my way back to the frat house. The walk felt longer than normal which was probably due to the many thoughts racing through my mind. Once I enter the house, I left everything behind me. It was time to move on. I was good at fixing my life after a derailment. This time was no different. Moving on was what I was good at.

Aro came to my room later that night and handed me a switch proposal. It was not unusual for pledges to change who their Big Brother was. A vouch could come from any current member, but if it was not working out between you, both of you had to sign off on a switch proposal. I was shocked to see it was from Edward. He no longer wanted me to vouch for him. He chose Aro. I was hurt and felt betrayed, but of course I had no right. I signed it and gave it back to Aro to file away. Aro looked at me sadly and I did not want his pity. So I shrugged it off and went back to preparing for my week. He just shook his head and left my room. I took a shower that night and Edward's scent still lingered. I let the water cover my face, hiding the tears I never thought I'd shed.

It had been a full twenty-four hours and I was eager to see Edward. I told myself it was just to see if he was okay, but deep down I knew I had missed seeing him. I was quite sure he was going to either skip class or try to drop it. We usually saw each other from breakfast until it was time for bed. I had not seen him all morning. I had to keep telling myself that once I saw him that it would be okay. I would see that he was fine and I would move on.

Edward walked in class and instead of sitting at his regular spot that was in direct alignment with my desk, he sat in the far corner behind a taller student. He was avoiding me. His usual knowledgeable self kept his head and hand down. Edward would have participated at least three times before we reached the midpoint. To know I had caused this was heartbreaking. By the end of the week, he had told Dr. Uley he would not need the study group and would be studying alone. Edward didn't need it anyway, but it was always great to have him there.

Weeks passed and Thanksgiving had was upon us. Edward had avoided me at every chance he had. I hadn't pursued him either. As hard as it was, I was sticking to my plan of being the man I had groomed myself to be. It still hurt to lose our friendship, but there was nothing I could do to fix it. Aro had tired of me asking how things were with Edward. I knew he was vouching for Jacob as well and I offered to take Jacob off his hands. It was Jacob that responded to me not long after I had emailed Aro the request.

_It was the dinner time at the frat house. We tried to get together two times a week to have dinner, meet or catch up. Edward had made sure to be out of my line of sight. He was getting really good at trying to be invisible. For the past few weeks since Thanksgiiving, Edward had opted on using Jacob to block all attempts to look his way at dinner. Jacob got up to seconds and I took the opportunity to steal a look. I turned more in my chair to try to look around Felix's hulking frame._

_"Excuse me, Big Brother Farmer, but can I talk to you," Jacob said, stepping my line of sight._

_How did he get back into the room that quickly? I must have been so focused on looking around Felix that I didn't notice._

_"Sure Jacob. I have been meaning to talk to you anyway," I said gesturing towards the lkitchen. "I had asked Aro to speak with you about me vouching for you. I was thinking it might be to difficult with two pledges._

_"Oh, that's what I wanted to discuss. As long as Aro wants, I choose to stay with him."_

_"Oh well the offer is there," I said walking away._

_Jacob's meaty hand grabbed my shoulder rather forcefully. I turned around and glared at him, staring at his hand and back to him. He removed it, crossing his arms. Was he supposed to look menacing?_

_"And again, no need. Aro can handle us both just fine. Last time you got your hands on a pledge, it didn't turn out too well. I'd rather take my chances with someone at less a disadvantage than you."_

_I squared my shoulders and stepped closer to Jacob. Who the fuck did this little bastard think he was? Before I could open my mouth, Aro called for him out back. Jacob smirked and turned to head the back door. I didn't know what Edward had told him, but I hope he had kept his mouth shut._

By the time I stormed to my room, I felt so bad for thinking Edward would do something like that. Jacob was his friend and roommate. He probably confided in him and even if he didn't, I couldn't begrudge him the comfort of having someone listen. It didn't seem like people knew, besides the obvious. Not even Aro would breathe a word of this.

I was losing it. My façade was slowly fading away and this was only after a few weeks. I couldn't imagine how my mindset would be after a few months. My focus was lost on a daily basis and my school and frat work were suffering. I hadn't worked on my thesis in weeks. Aro and Felix had picked up a lot of my duties at the house. I kept forgetting quite the number of things. Dr. Uley had told me to "take my ass back to bed" numerous times as I had come to class looking rather unkempt. I couldn't sleep and barely ate. Edward had haunted my dreams and I could not keep my eyes closed long enough to find rest.

Esme hadn't helped. She let me sulk for two weeks before she had enough. I had showed up at her place worse for wear, wanting to sleep over. Esme was the best cuddler second only to…him. I asked if she would mind me being the little spoon this time around. She answered her door in an angry huff and told me it was time to lie in the bed I made.

"_It's your mess Cullen! Deal with it. I have plans tonight," She yelled at me._

_Masterson was over and grinned at me from her couch, waving goodbye as Esme closed her door. _

I knew she was giving me tough love. I thought I knew what I wanted and now that I had it. There was now doubt as to whether I made the right decision to shut Edward out. It was funny how change could seem like the right thing when it was no available to you.

My pity party needed to end. I shook off the indecisiveness and gave myself a proper pep talk. Too much had fallen by the wayside because I was being a fool about things. It was time to get myself together. I wasn't changing and I would never get Edward back. The damage was done and I highly doubted he would forgive me.

After a few more pep talks and one more sigh into my coffee, I started getting myself together. First, I cleaned my filthy room. For the first time ever, my room looked like the typical college male's, complete with piles of dirty laundry and old take out strewn around the room. By the time the week was out, I had cleaned the entire frat house. It made me feel so much better, like the craziness had been washed away. The surface may have been clean, but I was still feeling dirty at the core.

I pressed on, dealing with what I could change. The frat's next event was the Nu Alpha Tau Servathon. I tackled the planning with gusto. There was always a few of us in the frat that didn't go home over Thanksgiving Holiday. One of our past presidents turned this into an opportunity for the frat to shine. Each Thanksgiving, we cooked a feast and served it at the nearby homeless shelter. The pledges were required to stay in order to fulfill their community service requirements. I knew they were mad about it, but it's been a proud frat tradition for decades.

It was the night before Thanksgiving. Aro and I had just battled it out in the grocery store for the final ingredients for our meal. We made our way into the kitchen and the remaining pledges were all lined up waiting for our instructions. Edward was there, of course, standing next to Jacob. I knew Edward was still pledging, but it had honesty slipped my mind that he would be here tonight. Snickering came from the corner of the room, distracting me from staring at Edward. I turned to see Felix and Demetri looking through the "Fratty Fatty Cookbook." It held every recipe a frat brother had ever created, stolen, or loved to make.

I must admit that I loved this kitchen. Thanks to a wonderful donation by one of our alums, we had a kitchen that rivaled that of a gourmet chef. It was one of the biggest rooms in the house next to our living room. We had two sinks, two double wall ovens, two gas ranges, plenty of counter space, a large refrigerator and a deep freezer. All of which were stainless steel. With thirty guys living in one large house, you had to make room for us to eat. I made my way to the center of the room and cleared my throat.

"Good evening Pledges. We have a lot to do and you just may be up all night doing it. I don't care if this food is for a homeless shelter. You will make it edible. This is not only to help others, but to teach you a little something as well. Teamwork," I spoke.

The six remaining pledges nodded their heads and I handed them their aprons. Aro was bouncing on his heels behind me. He loved to cook and I was happy when he finally decided sophomore year to settle on culinary arts. This was his kitchen and you did what he said or it was your ass. I had the burn mark to prove it. I nodded my head to Aro and he bounded forth barking orders.

"Edward and Ryan, you take on the macaroni and cheese and the stuffing. Jacob and Dani, I want you on the ham and green beans. Paul and Ted, mashed potatoes. Carlis…," Aro ordered, but was interrupted by Ryan.

"Why do they only get one thing?!"

"Because they fucking suck at cooking and I barely trust them to boil water. Shut it Ryan or you and Masen will be making something else, like chitterlings. Ever cleaned pig intestines?"

Ryan paled and quieted immediately and Edward glared at him as well. His chin was rigid and his hands in fists by his side. His Adam's apple bobbed and his tongue slipped out to moisten his lips. I slowly took him in, remembering his scent and the way his skin tasted like…

"As I was saying," Aro continued, breaking me from my errant thoughts. "Carlisle, you are doing the turkey. Felix and Demetri are on deserts. I will be making my soups and breads. We have four ovens in this kitchen for a reason gentlemen. Let's make it happen."

We all began to work in our own areas. I didn't dare look over at Edward. My slip-up from earlier was a clear point to say that I was still in over my head. What didn't help were the death glares I was getting from Jacob. He even shoulder checked me on the way to the oven.

"Do you have a problem Pledge Black?" I asked, using my authoritative tone.

"No, Big _Brother_Farmer. Not a problem at all," he replied, a vicious smile forming on his face.

He walked away and Edward glared at him even harder than I just had. Jacob just shrugged his shoulders and continued on.

The night progressed and it was relatively quiet. Paul and Ted was proving they could not even peel potatoes, but I guessed that was why Aro had them cutting so many. Edward and Ryan had taken their two dishes as solo tasks, Edward working on the mac and cheese and Ryan on the stuffing. I must admit I was shocked to see Jacob making his own glaze for the ham. He was telling Dani how he made it and we all listened attentively. He saw that all movement around had stopped. We all stared at him and he rolled his eyes.

"What?! In my family you learned to cook or you starved. My mom was all about the kitchen being equal opportunity," he said, chuckling.

We all joined in and it seemed to loosen us all up. Aro smiled and turned the radio on to some classic rock. We all worked together, helping each other when we could. I saw Edward searching for something and I went to go help him.

"Looking for something Edward?" I asked.

"Ah..yeah. I am looking for a big enough pan for this," he said pointing to his ingredients.

I grabbed the two long foil pans that Aro had bought from the store. I handed them to him and smiled. Edward return the smile before sobering and thanking me. He scurried off to his table and I resigned myself to the fact that this may be the extent of my connection with him. Simple hellos, how-do-you-dos, and pass me a pan for my mac and cheese.

The room fell quiet again, except for Paul who kept getting burnt by the stove and the songs filtering over the radio.

"OH THIS IS MY JAM!" Aro said and I couldn't help but laugh at him.

Mick Jagger's voice sang out and "Bitch" flowed through the kitchen. It was a really good song and some parts of it I could so relate to.

_I'm feelin' so tired, can't understand it_

_Just had a fortnights sleep_

_I'm feeling so tired, Ow!, so distracted_

_Ain't touched a thing all week._

_Preaching to the choir Mick_, I thought to myself.

_I'm feelin' drunk, juiced up and sloppy_

_Ain't touched a drink all night_

_Feeling hungry, can't see the reason_

_Just had a horsemeat pie_

_Yeah when you call my name_

_I salivate like a Pavlov dog_

_Yeah when you lay me out_

_My heart starts beating like a big bass drum, alright_

At that moment, I looked over to Edward who was showing off his skills on his air guitar. I smiled and couldn't help but let my mind wander again to the possibilities. Aro nudged me, breaking me from my fantasies. I gave him sheepish smile and carried on with my turkey.

By three in the morning, Aro and I had finally made it to bed. The Pledges had did a great job with the food and I was sure that the Director at the homeless shelter would appreciate it greatly.

I laid in bed for a good hour praying that tomorrow would be better. That maybe Edward would perhaps be a little friendlier. Of course God is a woman and my prayers fell on deaf ears.

We arrived with our food in tow around noon. Many families were there and already waiting, so we quickly set up the food and Aro, of all people, did the blessing. Some other students showed up to help us, as was usual every year. This year the extra help was certainly needed it as most of our brothers had gone home this year. Only the pledges were required to participate.

As I got settled, I heard the door open and I was shocked to see Emmett arrive with Rose tucked into his side. I said more curse words under my breath in the next minute to make a sailor blush. This day could now go either way. Bad or really bad. Rose caught my eye and hers narrowed into slits. That was not a good sign. She nodded her head towards a far corner and I quickly met her there.

"I don't know what you did to Edward, but Emmett is going to kill you. I may be able to convince him to only maim you a little. Edward was over a few weeks ago mad as hell. I heard your name and quite a few expletives from the both of them. What did you do Cullen?" She whisper yelled.

I sighed and rubbed my hand over my face. This "situation" was getting tiring.

"Edward and I had a...misunderstanding," I replied.

"Well fix it dammit. I don't have bail money for Emmett," Rose said and then her eyes snapped over my shoulder. "Oh shit. Emmett is looking over here. God, I have to diffuse this as he is probably pissed I am talking with the 'enemy'." Rose sighed.

I never wanted to cause any discord for Rose, but she was a big girl. She could deal with Emmett. If he had something to say to me, I could handle him too. Unconsciously, I found myself looking around the room. My mind found the object of it's desire and he was staring back at me. Edward looked tired, worn. I knew we had a long night, but this looked like weeks worth of sleepless nights. He had a slight beard and I would dare even say he looked like he had lost weight. Why had I not noticed this before? Edward ended my torture with his stare and went back to serving.

"You did that to him you know," the voice next to me said.

It was Jacob, yet again. Last time I checked, my father lived in South Dakota. I couldn't even reply back to him, even with a sarcastic remark. I was too busy still studying Edward and the differences he had over the past weeks. Plus there was no denying the fact. I was the one that hurt Edward, even if it was for his own good. Now I was worried that maybe Edward told Jacob what happened.

"I don't know all the details, but I know you hurt him more than anyone else ever could," Jacob continued.

I looked over to Edward again. He appeared to be in a heated discussion with Emmett.

"You can't blame Edward for liking you. He likes you so much Carlisle. I know you are with that Esme chick, but maybe there is something more out there for you. I see the way you look at him. There's a longing there, even if you don't want to admit it."

"Jacob, I appreciate your insight, but you have it all wrong. I know who I am and with whom I am supposed to be with. And it's not Edward Masen," I responded, walking away from him.

I was getting sick and tired of him telling me what was best for me. He needed to mind his own business. I was almost away when i felt Jacob grab my arm.

"My gaydar is never busted, even though I will admit you still have me somewhat confused. You are so deep in your closet you don't know which way is up," Jacob said glaring at me. I snatched my hand away from him.

"I am not going to tell you again to mind your fucking business Jacob. You don't know me," I seethed, wanting to knock every last one of his shiny, fucking teeth out.

"Oh I know you, Carlisle. You're a scared man who is about to loose the best thing to ever cross his path. If you want something, get it. You never know when someone else is going to take what you've wanted all along."

He was giving me the hope I knew I didn't want, nor deserved. At least that was what I kept telling myself. Jacob shook his head at me and walked away. I could see his infamous smirk forming on his lips as he put his arm around Edward's waist, pulling him into a half hug. There was a fury that burned all over me. I wanted to rip his hand off for touching Edward. For a brief moment, I let my mind run wild. I kept imagining being able to hold him in such a way and say that he was mine. Could I claim something that I decided to throw away?

The Servathon ended without incident. I was glad that I had made it out unscathed. I bagan to pack away the leftover food and burners into my truck. I reached down to pick up another tray, but a hand stopped me before I could. They could only belong to one person and I was not ready to have my head bashed in today. I stood up straight and stared Emmett right in the eye. I would not let his stature intimidate me. Minutes passed and neither one of us spoke. I could hold out like the best of them.

"I told Rosie I wouldn't kill you. I love her, so I made that promise. But Edward is my brother," Emmett spoke.

"And he is a grown man," I stated.

"That he is. He is entitled to make his _mistakes_. Just know this. We Masen men are the best thing since sliced bread. Your confused ass needs to wake up and smell the fucking burrito. I won't have him hurt again," Emmett said, his voice breaking off into a whisper.

What had happened to him? Someone hurt him? I simply nodded at Emmett and watched as he left with Rose. I sure as fuck missed the days when no one knew about me. This was why I didn't sleep with anyone on campus. Emmett had nothing to worry about. I wasn't going to hurt Edward again because I wasn't going to pursue a relationship with him. Edward is amazing, but I was doing what was right for the both of us. I helped to finish loading up and we all went back to the frat. I just needed a moment when my vision, dreams, and life was not filled with Edward Masen. It helped that he avoided eye contact with me for the rest of the day. For some reason, that hurt more than I wanted it to. I couldn't be the one for him. I would only hurt him, he could hurt me. Why now did a life without Edward seem like a life unfulfilled?

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**A/N: Yes, I know what you are thinking. Another chapter of delusional Carlisle! I know, I know I hate this too. Carlisle wanted me to write this. Let's hope he is done by next chapter. I hope to get that posted soon. **


	4. Emerge

**A/N: I apologize for the lateness of this chapter. Life, quite literally, got in the way. Baby UnderStudy is doing her thing and making Big Brother UnderStudy crazy. Work has settled and I am now motivated to write again. Thanks so much to SagaDevotee for cracking her whip and getting me into shape to write and for her to edit repeatedly. Also many thanks to stephlite for beta'ing and her encouragement. **

**All things Twilight are the property and ownership of S. Meyers. I make no money from my obsession.**

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**Chapter 4: Emerge – CPOV **

It appeared that I had done something right. After the Servathon, Edward began to speak to me again. It was only a few words here and there, but it was welcomed. Our friendship was not the same as it was before. I doubted that it ever would, considering all that had transpired between us. At least he was being more hospitable and not avoiding me.

His "protectors" eased up on me as well. Emmett hadn't spoken to me since Thanksgiving. It wasn't that I talked much to him anyway. However, Rose and I had been seeing a lot more of each other. She worked in the events office on campus. It was the perfect position for her as she had planned on going into event planning once she graduated. We had been meeting to finalize the plans for the frat's last event of the year, our annual Charity Ball. She had told me she was "working on Emmett." He had taken to escorting her to lunch with me. I was not met with open hostility, but a simple grunt or head nod was all I received. I'd take it.

Pledge Black was another story. Unfortunately, I had to deal with Jacob on a regular basis. Either Edward had not talked to him or he didn't listen. I was leaning toward the latter. Jacob was extremely hard headed and the disrespect I received had worn thin. I had a chat with Aro about it and the last week had improved. He was still an exemplary pledge, so I could not kick him out. That would have probably pissed Edward off greatly. I was not trying to lose him completely again.

The light had returned to Edward's eyes and I could definitely see that he was healthier. I'd like to think it was all the leftover Thanksgiving food. I would catch him smiling and laughing more often. He was moving on and getting better just as I wanted him to. We were able to work side by side with frat duties and he even showed up for a study session for class.

He was happy and here I was sinking into a depression. I tried to keep myself busy with as much work as possible. Aro was constantly worried about me, but I wasn't. I couldn't afford to let it all go to shit now.

Edward was attending yet another study session. I had not slept the night before after seeing his email confirming he would be attending the studying session at the Buckner Library. I had booked one of the larger conference rooms to give my mind some semblance of space.

He walked in looking positively sinful. My lack of sleep had my defenses down. I couldn't block the images of the two of us together. He was wearing my favorite cologne, the same cologne from that night. _Fahrenheit_ was an older, classic scent. However, it fit perfectly for him. He was wearing another one of his funny shirts. This one said, "You had me at bacon" inside of a heart. It made my own heart skip a beat. I had worn my "Bacon Anonymous" t-shirt when we officially met. That was the day he made me come alive.

I closed my eyes and tried to rid myself of the pressure threatening to burst forth. I felt an onslaught of emotions that made me feel as if I was drowning. I began to choke on it all, gasping for breath. I knew my heart was already pounding heavily, but it felt as it it would leap from my chest at any moment. My leg decided to join in the frenzy, bouncing ridiculously up and down. I felt overwhelmed, flushed with so many feelings that I did not want to understand. When I felt as if i was about to explode, I slammed my hand down on my desk.

"ENOUGH!" I bellowed, gripping the desk for dear life with the other hand.

I ran both hands through my hair. I chuckled manically at the action as it was something Edward did when he was frustrated.

"Carl, are you okay?" The tender sweet voice of Kate Holding asked.

"I'm fine," I said shortly.

I stood swiftly, practically running from the room. As I reached the door, I turned to see Edward's face. He looked torn and worried. I cared not to stick around to ask him what was wrong. My feet carried me to the restroom in the far corner of the library. I crashed through the doors and rested at the sink. I looked upon my reflection in the mirror and the man staring back at me was lost. I was pale and sweat was pouring off of me.

Turning the faucet on, I splashed some cold water on my face. It helped, but not much. I went to the last stall and closed myself in. Leaning against the door, I tried to calm myself as best I could. However, my body had other thoughts. I looked down to see that my erection was still present. I felt betrayed by my own body and knew there was only one to blame. Edward had did this to me. I growled out and let my hand lower to my stiffness. This was his fault.

"Edward...," I whispered his name.

Not able to withstand the tension in my body, I grasped myself tightly. I hissed at the delicious pain of it. I popped the button of my pants and practically ripped down my zipper. The pressure on my hardened cock was lessened and I didn't stop the groan that made its way from my body. I brought myself out from its confines and sighed as my hand took a solid grip.

"Oh god...," I moaned and began a slow stroke.

I let my mind go free and began to imagine my heart's desire.

_I was waking up to Edward next to me. His toned body bare and nestled gently into my side. He started to kiss my own bare chest, a wicked glint in his eyes. He straddled me and gave me that crooked smile I love._

My grip tightened and my speed increased.

_Edward ground his ass on my semi-hard erection and I gripped his hips to push him on me more. He batted my hands away and began to slide down my body. He bent down to to continue kissing me. I smiled and moaned at the pleasure he was giving me. My cock was now fully erect and Edward began to kiss it with reverence. _

"_Do you know how much I love your cock, Carlisle?" He asked._

"_Why don't you show me, Edward?" I replied._

_He did not wait. He took me into his mouth inch by inch. I hissed and grasped the sheets on the bed. Edward slowly took my entire length into his mouth and swallowed. I eased down his throat and I nearly came right then._

"Oh yes, suck me, Edward," I moaned, my hand increasing its speed.

_He brought my tip to his lips and his tongue worked around my swollen head. That magic tongue of his licked down my shaft and swirled around it like a lollipop. I already started to leak and Edward flicked his tongue across my tip to gather it up._

"_Hmmmm, you taste so fucking good," he moaned._

_Edward took me back in his mouth and began a punishing pace on my cock. He would take as much of me as he could before swallowing and taking me down his tight throat. I couldn't keep my hands from going to his bronze locks. My fingers tightened in his hair and he allowed me to lead him. He knew I liked control. For as much as he made me crazy, he gave me this._

I was getting close and my head kept banging against the stall door.

"Fuck! Suck my cock, Edward. Suck it!" I growled, feeling my orgasm approaching.

I braced my free hand against the stall wall. I felt as if I was about to have a heart attack. My heart was beating wildly as my fantasy Edward was sucking me into oblivion.

"_I want you Carlisle. I want all of you. Give me your cum," Edward said._

I couldn't deny him that. He already had my heart, my soul, and he would have every part of my body.

"Oh Edward. I'm gonna cum," I hissed.

"Carlisle...," Edward's voice said.

It sounded so real this time. His voice whispering my name was all I needed to fall over the edge.

"Fuck, Edward!" I moaned out.

I came so hard, streams shooting out from me into the toilet. My knees felt as if they were going to give out, so I grabbed the side of the stall to support myself. I was breathing heavily, coming to terms with my realizations and the fact I just masturbated in the library bathroom. A voice brought me out of my recovery.

"Um...Carlisle? Are you...ummm...okay?"

My eyes shot open and I begged to God that Edward had only just walked in. I prayed he hadn't heard what I was doing.

"Give me a...minute," I said, my voice broken and dry.

I cleaned up and slowly came out of the stall. There he stood, looking anxious and another emotion that I could not place. _Shit!_ He probably heard everything.

"I was just coming to check on you. I was...ah...worried," he said.

His eyes then locked with mine and I realized what the other look was. Lust blazed from Edward's eyes. It was the same lust that consumed me when we were together.

"I'm fine. No need to worry," I said flippantly.

I went over the sink to wash my hands. Edward was standing close by and I felt his heat cover my back. I looked up into the mirror and noticed that he was staring at me... Well, not me, my ass to be exact. This turned me on again and I took a deep breath to calm myself. Edward was dangerous to my sanity and my libido. I cleared my throat and grabbed a paper towel to dry my hands.

"Are you still going to ignore this?" Edward asked.

"There is no _this._ I thought that had become clear," I replied, keeping my voice flat.

"You are going to try to deny everything, even after what I just heard. Why are you hiding Carlisle? Why are you denying the truth?"

Edward then reached up as if to touch my face. I flinched away from him, craving it, but knowing I couldn't do this. I backed away to the door and turned away from him. I heard his broken voice as the door slowly closed.

"So be it."

There was a desperate need to go back and kiss him madly. That wasn't an option for me. Edward was a series of wrong answers. Why couldn't he understand that? Not everyone could be like him. Not everyone had it easy. Proving to him that he no longer affected me, I stayed for the rest of the session. I would not let him win control over me again.

The following afternoon, I met with Rose to over the Charity Ball planning. She was a whirlwind and I fought to keep up her. At this point, I kept my answers to yes and as you wish. Anything more would result in getting my head bit off. I could not deny Rose's efficiency, which was why I compiled so. However my "confrontation" with Edward yesterday had me in a bitter mood. Apparently, I was letting him control me after all.

Rose came rushing to our usual lunch table in the back of our favorite cafe. I noticed that Emmett wasn't with her this time. He had been attending our lunch meetings in the past, as if I posed some threat to Rosalie. After the first few meetings I assume he became comfortable and would just stay to eat and then leave. He had become a bit of levity when Rose and I became extremely focussed on planning. I began to see what a nice guy he truly was.

Rose took a deep breath as she plopped down in her seat. Her normally composed demeanor was gone and it honestly looked good on her. She quickly grabbed the hair tie from her wrist and threw her disheveled hair into a messy bun. It was then that I noticed why she was late. The evidence was clear on neck, red and plentiful. I was instantly jealous, but i wasn't sure if it was because she could have someone to do that to her or that it was a Masen that had savored her.

Rose was late by a mere five minutes and I greeted her as if I had been waiting an hour.

"You might want to keep your necking to a respectable time if you are meeting clients," I snapped.

"Meeting clients? Cullen, this is big function for the frat, yes. But this isn't fucking dinner at the White House. Give me a break!" She whisper yelled at me.

I was knocked down a peg or two by that. Her glare helped as well and I felt guilty with how rude I was.

"I apologize. I seem to be...on edge today. I know I would be lost without you," I bowed my head to her.

Looking up, I saw her roll her eyes and curtsied as best she could from her seat. We both giggled and all was forgiven. Things were always simple with Rose. She wasn't as forgiving with others. I was lucky.

"That's more like it. And yes, Emmett is why I am late," she smirked.

It was my turn to roll my eyes. I did not want to hear about her escapades.

"I assume that is why he is not in attendance."

"Not one to brag, Cullen, but yes. It was only fair as he did keep me up most of the night with his Cirque de Masen. He does this thing where he lifts my leg," she spoke, attempting to demonstrate the position from her chair.

"Ummm...Rose! I believe you. No need to elaborate on your mating rituals."

"Still haven't made hedgeway with your own mating rituals?"

"There is no hedgeway to be made," I attempted to say with finality.

"Poor Cullen too repressed to get a Masen of his own. If Edward can do even an eighth of what Emmett can do, you are missing out."

I sighed and let the conversation go. Rose didn't understand. No one did really. I wasn't going to try to explain it to her either. Once Rose realized I was not speaking further on the topic, we dived into working on the Nu Alpha Tau Charity Ball. There were still so many details to cover and there was much work to do. Rose was handling a lot of the setup and food, while I was taking care of the finalized guest list and entertainment.

We were wrapping up and I came across the sample program Rose had created. Edward was presenting the Pledges gift that night. I ran my fingers across his name. Maybe, just maybe I could have one more taste of him. A fleeting kiss, a brush of my fingers across his ripped abs, a lick of his ear, or perhaps just to breath in the scent of his glorious...

"CULLEN! Wake the fuck up! You are rubbing a hole through my damn sample," Rose snapped, slapping my hand and snatching up the program.

"I'm sorry. I was distracted."

"Drooling more like it. Look, if you like Edward this much, maybe you should give it a shot, but I must warn you. The boy has had a tough go at his heart and deserves someone that will be true to him."

My head whipped up at this. Everyone kept telling me to watch it with him. Why?! What had happened to Edward?

"Rose, I know it is wrong to ask, but I must know. What happened at his last school?"

I knew my eyes were pleading to her. I said please again and watched as her resolve crumbled.

"If Emmett knew I said anything, he would shit a brick. Look, Edward has been hurt before," I nodded at this, a fact that seemed evident. "At his old school he wasn't out. He wanted to be, but the place was like strictly religious and dark ages type shit. He fell for some guy, ya know the type. Full of himself, gorgeous, unavailable."

Rose stared at me harder then. I knew she was also referring to me. I wouldn't say that I was full of myself.

"Well, Edward and the guy apparently hit it off, but this guy didn't want much of being public. Edward wasn't ready either, but it hurt, ya know? Keeping himself in the dark, being like a dirty little secret. They were together for months, dating off campus etc. He and Emmett grew up in a house that was all for loving who you are no matter who you love. Edward felt like he was betraying that. So he came out. He tried to get his _boyfriend_ to come out as well. He was just kicked to the curb like yesterday's news."

My poor Edward. I guess he wasn't mine anymore. Was he ever mine to begin with?

"Edward was ridiculed, embarrassed, and to top it all off...his classes sucked. He was told that the school had pre-med classes. Those were all lies by the recruiter. They didn't even have the program," Rose finished in a grand huff.

Just as she was about to continue, a tone rang from her phone. Rose looked down at her phone, a smile gracing her face. It must have been Emmett. Before Edward and I had slept together, I was like that when I received his texts. We were just friends then, but I couldn't help the joy that radiated through me. From what Rose was telling me, I was doing to him what some other man had done before. However, I was only with him once. I didn't make him believe that there could be more. That was Edward's own assumption.

_He was a trap._

_I could not get trapped._

_There is no future with him_.

Why did all of that feel like a lie?

"...and then he decided to leave and come here with Emmett. That's his story. Now you see why Emmett is so rough with you."

"But it doesn't explain why Edward wants to be with me. He has been hurt before. I am clearly not interested," I said, looking away as I spoke.

"Maybe he sees something more. Maybe he sees something else that he didn't see in this other person."

"Whatever. We have work to do. I will see you next week Rose."

I got up and gave her a kiss on the cheek, paying the bill as I left. Edward shouldn't want me. I would break him all over again.

_***~*TPE*~*TPE*~*TPE*~*TPE*~*TPE*~*TPE*~*TPE*~*TPE*~*TPE*~*TPE*~***_

In the following days, I immersed myself in the planning for the ball. Nearly 95% of our alums would be in attendance and I needed the event to go as flawless as possible. It was a great way to network and see how the pledges held up against them. We were now down to four, having kicked out hot-headed Ryan and Ted, who was failing two classes. It was going to be in the KWU ballroom and had the best caterer on the East Coast. Everything was decorated and all set. Now all we had to do was get there.

I had hired a shuttle bus service for the frat. Most of us would end up drinking and it was best to have safety precautions in place. I was at the door waiting for the last few stragglers to make their way down. Struggling with my bow tie, I made a very loud huff and ripped the damn thing off in frustration.

"Let me get that for you," said Edward, walking tentatively in front of me as if he would frighten me away.

"Um...thank you," I replied.

"I know how important this night is for you. I know you want to _look_ your best."

"I want _all _of us to look our best."

With that, Edward finished tying my bowtie and walked off. I looked at him in awe. He looked absolutely fantastic in his tuxedo. His hair was still in a disarray, but it worked for him. He was sure of himself and confident. He didn't deny himself what he wanted, or who he wanted to be. However, his nose was slightly bent possibly from being broken. He cracked his knuckles. All. The. Time. He also could be forgetful of names, even if you told him five times. Edward was perfection, a flawed perfection that I envied and even longed for.

Once we arrived, the ballroom was bustling. As we were about to sit, I noticed someone approaching Edward and Jacob. I recognized him from some of my pre-med classes. I moved closer to get a better view and was instantly enraged. It was Seth "The Swoon" Clearwater. If there was anyone on campus that matched Aro's libido, it was Seth's. He slept with everyone, except Esme and me. Aro had knocked that notch on his bedpost the second night on campus.

I watched as Edward led Seth to the seat next to him and touched his arm. My rage was boiling. I knocked back the scotch I had been nursing. The immediate burn simmered by anger, but strengthened my courage for what I was about to do. It was time to go over and greet everyone. I was in no way claiming my territory. I was just protecting Edward from a being hurt. That's all. That's it. Not jealous at all.

_Liar. Liar. Pants on fire._

I shook my head to stop the thoughts. I was not jealous. Just a frat brother protecting a pledge. I reached the table and caught Jacob's eyes first. They narrowed and his lips turned up into a smirk. Edward's head snapped up next and I couldn't quite read him.

"Good evening everyone," I said politely.

"Well, well, well. If it isn't Carlisle Cullen. Where's that hellcat of yours, Esme isn't?" Seth spoke, standing up to greet me.

I made sure my handshake was firm. He pulled back his hand, rubbing it lightly.

"Seth is here as Edward's date. Isn't that _nice_, Carlisle?" Jacob said, his smirk still in place.

Pledges were not allowed to bring dates to this event. I made that very clear to them. This was time for them to network and assist where needed.

"No, Carlisle. It is... It's not... I mean...," Edward fumbled.

"Well, Edward? Which is it?"

"Oh, Carlisle. Calm down there friend," Mr. Swoon himself said, resting his hand on my shoulder. I eyed it distastefully and he quickly removed it. "I mean that it is not Edward's fault. I was coming tonight as well. Edward mentioned at opening at his table when we had dinner earlier this week. No harm, right?

I simply nodded, not wanting to cause a scene and do what my soul has been craving. It would not have been wise to claim Edward was mine, throw him over my shoulder and leave the event in true caveman fashion. No, that was not even possible when I couldn't even claim my own identity.

I decided it was time to get focused on why I was here in the first place. I went up to the podium to greet the guests and make introductions. I barely made it through as my eyes kept finding Seth whispering in Edward's ear, touching his hand and his beautiful bronze hair. After I finished the opening, the music started and dinner was served. I quickly found my table and sat down next to Esme. She rested her hand on mine and I calmed. However, it did not last long as I watched the pledges table from across the ballroom. I didn't know if I was happy or sad that I wasn't sitting with them. Everyone was laughing and hanging on Seth's every word. I heard Esme mutter something about me having a green eyed monster. I rolled my eyes at her and enter the conversations going around the table.

When dinner ended, the dancing started. It the past it was my favorite part of the evening. Like before, I twirled Esme around the floor while schmoozing with the alums in attendance. This time was different as I couldn't pay much attention. My eyes were solely trained on Sethward with their whispered conversations and touches.

"Carlisle Cullen, have you paid attention to anything I have said?" She whisper yelled.

I could not reply as what happened next stopped me dead in my ball change. Seth had brought Edward out onto the dance floor. All eyes went to them, but everything continued. No outcries, no fainting, no big scenes.

_Could it be so simple?_ _Why could I not be so brazen? So Sure?_

Esme shook me and I resumed the dance. The room continued on as if nothing happened and Seth and Edward were caught in their own bubble. Seth led and Edward easily allowed him. The green eyed monster was definitely rising in me and I was almost fearful of my next actions. I excused myself from Esme and went to sulk alone at our table. It was empty and I was glad as I was not up to conversation. Esme had followed and by the scowl on her face, I knew I was in for it. She sat softly next to me, a complete contrast of her facial expression.

"Don't they make a lovely couple," she said sweetly. "It's a shame that couldn't be you right now."

I couldn't believe she would be so mean. She knew this was my best decision.

"Isn't there a professor here looking to slum it?" I said with every bit of anger.

"Got up on the wrong side of your sexual orientation?" She asked. "You have no one to blame but your own sorry ass. Get a life, a true one."

Esme got up and left the ballroom completely. I was too angry now, but I knew I would have to apologize later. I sat the rest of the night, brooding. It seemed to be the only thing I could do. No one bothered me as they were probably put off by my mumbling and groaning. Aro simply shook his head at me and represented our frat wonderfully. My current disposition would not have been appropriate for speaking.

When the night ended, I decided to walk back to the frat. I was so confused. I thought the five miles would give me some clarity. Unfortunately, I was left asking more questions.

_Could I change? Could I be out? What about my career? What about my father? Are Seth and Edward serious? Had I lost him?_

My mind turned over all night, flipping through these questions and their possible answers. Sleep was lost to me and so were the days to follow. I decided to stay on campus for Christmas break. It was a shitty move on my part and my father was furious. He didn't even call me to wish me a Happy Holiday. I never missed a Christmas, but my heart wasn't in it. Plus, Esme and I were still at odds since the Charity Ball. I would not give in and she was tired of trying to convince me. Every time we talked, she had tried to change my mind about coming out. She didn't understand that I couldn't take the risks she wanted me too. I thought we would get over it, but the call I got the day after Christmas rocked my world.

"Hello?" I asked in my cell.

There was nothing but sniffles and wails. I checked the phone and noticed it was Esme's parent's number.

"MeMe? What's wrong? What happened?" I said, panicking.

"CJ, you're not marrying my baby?!"

There was only one person that called me CJ. Mrs. Eleanor Beatrice Platt, mother of my best friend, Esme, wife of Desmond Theodore Platt, and bane of my existence for the past twenty-two years. CJ was short for Caius Jr. I was not a junior. I was Carlisle Caius Cullen. Not CJ. She didn't care what I wanted and always called me that name.

"Mama Platt, what are you talking about?" I asked her.

"Esme told us today that you two broke up years ago and was only playing the farce for our benefit," she whimpered into the phone.

I couldn't believe Esme had done this to me! This was not part of my plan.

"Were you two ever together?"

For some reason, I didn't want to lie. The truth, well some of it, was already out there anyway.

"No, we weren't."

There was more crying and wailing. I then heard another voice, slightly muted. There was rustling and movement. The voice of my _former_ best friend.

"Sorry Cullen, it was for your own good. Now my story is out. I left nothing out. They know everything from my end. Mom is on her cell with your mother now. So it's only a matter of time for you," she stated smugly into the phone.

I sighed and rubbed my hand over my face. Pinching the bridge of my nose, I began to process the feelings stirring in my chest. It felt like some of the weight that had been pressing down on me had been lifted. It was relief and freedom. Yet, there were still some truths left to be told. I was not happy Esme did this, but maybe I needed this push in the right direction. Esme and I had planned to "break-up," just later down the line. It wasn't fair to her to continue this way. Now that there was no way of turning back, maybe I could move forward. I deserved to be happy.

"You meddling, backstabbing...best friend anyone could ever ask for," I said strongly.

Esme's loud laughter echoed through the phone and I couldn't help but join in.

"There's still hope for you yet. So are you going to go after Edward?"

"We are not dishing about boys! And no, I am not going after him. It's too late for that. Plus, I still don't know what I am doing. You pre-outted me!"

"Carlie, you can't hide forever, honey."

She was right. Deep down I knew I couldn't hide forever. I would eventually find someone that wanted to date me. It would be more lies and sneaking around. I hadn't really thought about this part of my long life goal. There would be my career, but no happiness. No love. No Edward. I knew that there was no way I was going to live like a monk when I came back home to practice. I had needs. Still, it was inevitable that someone was bound to catch me with another man.

"You're right Esme, but I still need to think."

We chatted some more and I waited for the call to come from my parents. However, it didn't come.

New Year 's Day was lonely and quiet. I brought it in with Esme and Marcus. I was the epitome of the third wheel. I left soon after midnight, trudging my way through the fresh fallen snow, and found myself watching the sunrise over the quad. The bench where I sat was cold, but my heart was steadily warming with thoughts of Edward. My breaths may have been chilled, but my soul was on fire. I had figured out that the longer I fought to deny my feelings and need for him, the more I would ache. I decided that I still would not act on anything. He was not mine and I was sure he and Seth enjoyed _bringing in_ the New Year.

I huffed loudly, the air escaping from my sour mood. The sun had risen completely and I began to make my way back to the frat. A new year had come and I wondered whether a new me was even possible. I felt like I was stuck with my plan, this structured goal. It didn't seem like it was truly possible. Wasn't it worth the risk if it meant I could be happy? I would like to meet the man inside of me that really wants to be who the man he was destined to be.

I was almost home when the sound of laughter carried on the air. I recognized one of those laughs anywhere. It was Edward. _My Edward_. He was getting his bags from Seth's car. _Why did he come back so early?_ I caught Edward's gaze for a second before Seth pulled him towards him in a heated kiss. I watched as Edward's eyes close, reveling in the moment. I wanted it to be me. I wanted Edward's lips on mine, tasting him, bringing him pleasure. Memories of the sounds of his moans echoed in my mind.

Not being able to take it anymore, I looked away. Gathering my wits, I turned back to the scene only to become more hurt and angry. Edward's cheeks were flushed, but his eyes didn't match the occasion. There was a slight sadness to them as he turned to look at me.. I didn't understand. Seth caressed his cheek and wrapped his hand around Edward's waist. He was undeserving of Edward. Edward deserved better. Not someone that was just going to use him and cast him aside. Yet that person could not be me, as I had done that very thing.

Seth pulled Edward closer, presumably to kiss him again. Edward pushed him away, his eyes catching mine. For some reason this made me stand up taller. Could I be the man he wanted me to be? Was I deserving of him? Edward held something in his eyes now that resembled...hope. For what, I knew not. Perhaps...perhaps there was still a chance for me.

A fire rose up within me and I felt crazed. I wanted him. I wanted Edward to be mine. I wanted his kisses. I wanted his touch. I desired him for his wacky t-shirts, his knuckle cracking, his smile and his crooked nose. I had spent so much time wasted on being depressed without him when I could have had him all along. The ache to have him spurred me on. I began to march the rest of the way across the quad towards them. I was determined. Edward's eyes widened and whispered something to Seth. Seth looked over to me and the smirk on his face made me want to speed the rest the way across the 30 feet between us and rip his head off.

_Mine! Mine! Mine!_

My mind chanted over and over.

I was almost to them when my phone rang loudly from my pocket.

_Mother's right here_

_Mother will protect you_

_Darling, here's what I suggest_

_Skip the drama_

_Stay with mama_

_Mother knows best_

I froze in my tracks. The tune started to play again and it drained the rage right from me. I wasn't sure if I was thankful or pissed. Who knew how I would have acted if I stormed over to Edward, punched Seth in his smirk riddled face, and throw Edward over my shoulder growling, "MINE!" I took a deep breath and pushed down the angry caveman as I pulled my phone out my pocket.

"Hello mother. It is nice to finally hear from you." I snapped at her somewhat, partly for the interruption and the other for not calling me over the holidays.

"Don't take that tone with me young man! I am your mother and will be respected as such!" She yelled.

"A mother would have called her son to wish him Happy Holidays and even Happy New Year."

"The phone works both ways Carlisle Caius Athens Drake Cullen! I have been trying to calm your father since you told him you were not coming home for the holidays. I have been eyeballs deep in his ire. So don't you talk to me about what a mother would have done!"

Good Lord, my had called me by my full name. She was probably two seconds off hoping the next flight to pull me across her knees.

"I am sorry mother. I am so sorry," I said as I sighed.

I looked up to Edward who probably had heard my raised voice. He mouthed if I was okay. I shook my head no. I was far from okay. He looked to make his way toward me and I just raised my hand. I could not talk to him until I settled. I gave him one last pleading look and walked away. Hopefully not for the last time.

"Now, are you calm enough to have a conversation with me?"

"Yes mother. I am indeed sorry. It has been a rather trying time for me."

"Well, I must say I thought it was going to be you that came clean about you and Esme," she said.

"You knew?!"

My charming mother could only snort in reply.

"How?"

"A mother knows, my boy. It didn't help that I had caught Esme in our barn with half the boys from your high school class."

I couldn't help but laugh at that. My nerves began to settle even more. My mother was a godsend.

"What else have you noticed?"

I didn't want to say it, but if i was going to come out to anyone, my mother would be the one.

"That you never looked at Esme the way your father does me. That you kissed Liam Nelson behind the grocery store the summer after your freshman year."

The line went quiet and I freaked. She knew. All this time, she knew.

"Why did you never tell me you knew?" I whispered to her in a voice resembling that of a small boy.

My tears began to fall and I barely made it onto the bench next to me.

"I was scared, my boy. I didn't want you to think I was spying on you. I didn't want to lose you. I had hoped you'd come to me. I wouldn't have judge you. Don't you know a mother will always love her boy?"

And I sobbed on the phone to my mother. She shushed me and tried to comfort me through the phone. I longed for her embrace, the smell of her jasmine and orange tea scent cocooning me. When I calmed, I told her everything. Well, I glossed over the sex part, but she got the point. She sighed heavily and I waited to see what she would say.

"You're an idiot!" She yelled.

I rolled my eyes and agreed with her.

"Plans change, Carlisle. People change. People can also forgive. We Drakes don't give up and the Cullens never surrender. You have strong bloodlines in you. Go for the gusto, my boy."

"What about dad?" I asked worriedly.

"Don't worry about your father. He knows not to mess with me."

"What about coming back there after school?"

"Oh you're just full of questions, aren't ya?" She laughed and I joined her, feeling so refreshed. "Don't worry about us. Live your life. We will be here. If Belle Fourche is the place you really want to be, then come. But you have your whole life ahead of you."

"Thank you, mother. For everything."

"It's why I am here. Never forget it. Now, tell me more about this Edward. He sounds like a hottie to me."

I couldn't help but guffaw loudly. This was just what I needed. My mother had saved me from coming off like a maniac, attacking Seth and possibly saying something ridiculous to Edward. I needed to do things right for me, the way my soul has been asking for some time. It was time for a new me, the real me. I only hoped Edward would accept him.

* * *

**A/N: Thank for sticking with me. How did you enjoy Carlisle? Ready for him to get his man? So glad I was able to get his head out his ass. Only one more regular chapter after this before we hear from Edward in the epi. Lubs ya!**


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